About

I am a mother of three, sharing my journey of hope and survival following the loss of our son...

  • Timing is everything...

    watered-down scorched earth

      I’ve long held that timing is everything… Success or failure, triumph or tragedy, life or death…it all comes down to the convergence of a particular moment and set of circumstances… Most of life falls between those extremes, but you never know for sure until after it’s behind you. Take the other afternoon, for example… I’d been out running errands and had to stop by the house to pick up my siste...

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    May. 23, 2013 | Permalink | Carolina Sonshine

  • A sinking feeling...

    My 'teacher' cart

      You know how you get that sinking feeling that you’ve really messed up in a big way, but you’re not quite sure what you did? Then all of a sudden, it hits you…and it’s all you can do to keep from losing it… I did something today that I haven’t done a single time in four years… I didn’t realize it until I was sitting at a red light down the road from the high school I had just been to, sp...

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    May. 18, 2013 | Permalink | Carolina Sonshine

  • Blessed Indeed...

    Birthday lunch

      No matter how bad you think you have it, there’s always someone else who has it worse… It’s important to be thankful and remember that chances are, tomorrow will be a better day. I learned this bit of wisdom and many others from my mom a long time ago. Mother’s Day has been challenging for the last five years; I’ve never known what to do or exactly how to spend the day. I haven’t wanted a big deal made...

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    May. 14, 2013 | Permalink | Carolina Sonshine

  • Heart pounding moments

    Brian's memorial brick @ Butler HS

    You’re going along, thinking everything’s okay and without warning, it gets harder and harder to breathe… Such was the case for me Monday afternoon… The day started with me rushing around, running behind first thing due to a misunderstanding about the time schedule for several back to back presentations at a north side high school. After I finished up there, I had an errand to run for John on the edge of downtown; consequently, it was ...

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    May. 09, 2013 | Permalink | Carolina Sonshine

  • Hard to go...

    Pink X marks the spot

    When I cross that imaginary dividing line, at a point about halfway between home and the place where our old life ended, I have a physical reaction to being close to that area… Every time, my hands sweat and shake; my chest tightens; my throat aches and tears sting my eyes. It’s not logical to think an actual place is evil, yet this feeling persists deep inside of me and won’t let go… Nearly five years have gone by and I still cannot overcome my av...

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    May. 03, 2013 | Permalink | Carolina Sonshine

  • Rainy days...

    B heart

      And so the countdown to the day it all began has begun… Consecutive rainy days make it harder to handle… When the skies continually stay cold and gray, when damp air greets the opening of every door, it is difficult to find, much less maintain a positive outlook. When you struggle daily against darkness gaining a foothold in your heart, it’s easy to forget the sun still shines behind those heavy skies… We are all feeling it a...

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    Apr. 29, 2013 | Permalink | Carolina Sonshine

  • He Stayed...

    Laney High School

      I encouraged him to sit near the doors in case he changed his mind and wanted to exit quickly; I told him it was okay to leave the gym up until the minute I left his side and stepped forward to begin the presentation… Despite having an open pass to go, he stayed… “After nearly four years, I figured it was time I saw what you do for myself.” John was antsy from the minute we left the hotel… The drive too...

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    Apr. 22, 2013 | Permalink | Carolina Sonshine

  • On the road...

    remember b

    Around this time four years ago, I gave in to the tugging on my heart… I took a leap of faith and ordered a batch of 2,500 “Remember Brian 06-12-08” silicone bracelets, with no plan beyond that single act. John thought it was a foolish idea, although he gave me the okay; in the back of his mind, he was convinced we’d be giving those bracelets away for a very long time… As it turned out, he was both right and wrong. We’re ...

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    Apr. 16, 2013 | Permalink | Carolina Sonshine

  • Lonely Hearts...

    John, me & Grandma B 12/2008

    I walked past her table on the way to wash my hands…she was sitting alone, enjoying a personal-sized pizza and a small yellow bag of Lay’s Classic potato chips. The combination made me smile, because it was something I would do, and definitely something my Grandma would have done… When I returned from the restroom and found our table, she and John were chatting amicably over the top of the dividing wall… She glanced at me...

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    Apr. 12, 2013 | Permalink | Carolina Sonshine

  • Realizations...

    Fixer Upper #1-finished

    You wake up, put your feet on the floor and face each morning whether you want to or not… You do what you must, staying busy to get through the blur of days and nights rushing by. You keep on breathing and working hard and hoping things will get better because to think otherwise would give despair an invitation inside… In some respects things do seem better, thanks to the ongoing efforts of your subconscious mind working overtime to build tunnels and walls aro...

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    Apr. 06, 2013 | Permalink
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