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Unwifeable

By Alison Henry

Posted: Monday, Mar. 22, 2010

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Photo by LGray Photography

In "Miles From the Aisle," former CB editor Alison Henry takes you on an irreverent trip down the often rocky road of relationships. She can be reached at alisonghenry@gmail.com.

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In honor of the new book “Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won’t Be Dating or Having Sex,” I decided to poll various members of the male species to see what they consider female deal-breaker behavior. After reading their responses, and getting a few “Save me!” glances lately from men on the street, I’m thinking this may be long overdue.

Don’t worry – “Sex and the City” marathons didn’t make the list.

Here are the top 10 that did:

1. Smoking
Men don’t like it when you smoke. Quite frankly, no one does. Truth is, you smell. Yes, you. All of you. And it’s not just you that literally stinks – so does your lack of reverence for your overall health.

2. Drugs/Excessive Drinking
See above. Add a splash of embarrassing and irresponsible behavior, lack of motivation and a total disconnection from reality, and you’d have to be on drugs to not see they’re major turn-off. Men want to be your boyfriend, not your babysitter or bail bondsman. The only commitments you should be making are to each other – not the rehabilitation clinic.

3. Jealousy
See Also: Disproportionate Irrationality. Listen, women are emotional. We get it. Men, however, often do not. But that does not relieve you of the responsibility of keeping your emotions in check. You want to challenge your boyfriend – not make his life challenging. For the betterment of your relationship and the perception of our entire gender, it would behoove you to get a grip every once in a while.

4. Excessive Vanity/Makeup
NEWS FLASH! Guys actually want you to look like yourself – a version of yourself that doesn’t require weekly trips to the spa for peels, pedicures and whatever-the-heck else you’re doing. Also related: Speaking like a Valley girl (Ohhhh my GAH!) and designer purses (It’s real! Look at the lining!)

5. Massively Low Self-Esteem
Plain and simple: Your boyfriend is not your therapist. Period. If you need one, get one. Men do not exist simply to fulfill an unacknowledged void in your life, and complaining about yourself is, in fact, not an actual form of conversation (not to mention, extremely unattractive).

6. Intelligence (or lack thereof)
Time to hit the books, ladies! Men want a woman who can actually hold a conversation and (gasp!) know what she is talking about. And we’re not just talking about who’s getting paid most on “Jersey Shore.”

7. Sense of Entitlement
Also known as: Daddy’s Little Girl Syndrome. Symptoms include insatiability, whining, stubbornness, aggressive demands and pouting. Behaviors no girl over the age of four should exhibit – ever.

8. Debt
You, big spender, are a sham. You’re living so far outside your means, you’re not even in the same zip code. Unless you plan on moving back sometime soon, the only long-term relationship you’ll be having is the one with your bill collector.

9. Messiness
Think your habits will never be as disgusting as a man’s? Think again. Sure we’ve all seen barbaric beer cans in the shower and skid-marked boxers strewn about a bathroom floor, but any woman who has lived with other women knows of the filth we, too, are capable. Grab the Clorox and get to work.

10. Pet Obsession
Fi Fi and Schmoopy do not look so cutsey-wootsey in their wittle matching booties. Dogs are good for running and jumping and sniffing each other’s butts. They also, thankfully, make great companions. They are not, however, glorified Barbie dolls. And if you must have a cat, keep it to one. Your man only has room for one high-maintenance animal in his life – and it’s (barely) you.

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