On a rainy afternoon in Charlotte this past week, two friends got together to discuss why the other was wrong about homosexuality.

Kate Murphy and Robert Austell have had this conversation before - usually over the coffee they enjoy each week while catching up on their work and lives. But this time, they chose to disagree in front of 500 or so of their colleagues - ministers and church elders of the Charlotte Presbytery.

Kate is the pastor at Hickory Grove Presbyterian Church, and she is in favor of Amendment 10-A, which changes her denomination's constitution and allows for gays and lesbians to be ordained ministers and elders. Robert is pastor at Good Shepherd Presbyterian church, and he is against the amendment, which the seven-county Charlotte Presbytery voted on Tuesday afternoon.

Going into that vote, the amendment already had been backed by a majority of presbyteries across the country, so Tuesday's vote might have been considered merely symbolic. But as Kate and Robert know, discussions about homosexuality are anything but.

It's a debate that not only has divided their denomination, but their community and their country. It's also a debate that we've largely ceded to the extremes among us, to the shouters pointing at each other from across the road, to the pedophiles and bigots, if you believe what each side says so loudly.

Which is why Robert wanted to have one more conversation.

On Tuesday afternoon, he and Kate sat in the front of the shell-shaped sanctuary at Albemarle Road Presbyterian. They were scheduled to speak first, before those in attendance were invited to line up at the microphones on opposite sides of the room - left side for those in favor of 10-A, right side for those against.

A couple months back, while they were doing some work for the Presbytery, Robert had asked Kate if she would speak on this day. Kate initially said no - she already had talked about ordaining homosexuals at a similar meeting two years ago. But Robert wanted them to discuss not only what they believed about homosexuality, but about each other.

"She loves Jesus Christ and the Church," he told the audience Tuesday, speaking first. He said he and Kate were friends who had much in common. "I would have her as my pastor," he said.

Said Kate of Robert: "He has great integrity." And: "I greatly appreciate the way he interprets Scripture." And this: "I commend to you to listen deeply to what he has to say."

Each also made their case eloquently. Kate challenged the nine Bible passages commonly used in the condemnation of homosexuality. Some passages, she said, were about lust, not sexual orientation, and none applied to people in committed, monogamous relationships. Robert urged that Christians not turn their backs on homosexuals, but he said that Kate's challenges ultimately didn't answer all of the questions the Bible presented about sin and sexual boundaries.

All of which wasn't very different than the arguments others have made for and against homosexuality. But what they wanted to get across, said Robert, was this: "We really want you to listen to the other person, because we respect that person."

And when they were done, they sat together again as others spoke for and against Amendment 10-A, which eventually passed, 162-154. It was a passionate and polite debate - perhaps because Kate and Robert had set a tone, but also because of something else they want their community to know: that good, smart, faithful people on both sides are struggling and sorting through this debate.

One conversation. A different conversation. It's not that hard to have, if you're humble enough to understand you might not be right. Which, by the way, Kate and Robert each know. And so they talk. And they listen.

"I think everybody is trying to be faithful," says Kate. "I think the trick is to be loving."