CONAN O'BRIEN

"Anthony Weiner is reportedly involved in choosing his successor. The first question he asked his potential replacements is, what's the difference between 'reply' and 'reply all?'"

"A senior al-Qaida leader was arrested in Afghanistan and he was disguised as a woman. Police became suspicious after he was seen stoning himself."

"Newt Gingrich says he does not support gay marriage. He says marriage is a sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wives."

"Michele Bachmann said her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa, is the birthplace of John Wayne, when it is actually the birthplace of serial killer John Wayne Gacy. She then said her favorite sitcom from the '80s is 'Charles Manson in Charge.'"

"Rod Blagojevich was found guilty of trying to sell President Obama's Senate seat. As the verdict was read, Blagojevich's face remained expressionless while his hair remained ridiculous."

BILL MAHER

"Newt Gingrich said Republicans shouldn't be afraid to go into black neighborhoods and tell them Obama failed them. To which every Republican replied 'You first.'"

JAY LENO

"Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to President Obama? As soon as the president holds the baby it stops crying. Do you know how rare that is these days; that a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it's not his?"

"That's pretty amazing. The baby stopped crying as soon as the president held it. Obama should try that with John Boehner."

"President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, 'It's a trap, don't do it!' But President Obama's tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner's. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it's the unemployment numbers."

"President Obama gave his speech about Afghanistan. He's starting a new phase in the military campaign called operation reelection."

"More bad news for Newt Gingrich. One week after his campaign staff quit, his campaign finance team quit. In fact, Newt was going to pull out of the race, but today the guy who writes his concession speeches quit. He can't do anything."

"According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won't get there for a long time."

DAVID LETTERMAN

"Blagojevich said he was stunned by the verdict. Apparently, he wasn't paying attention during the trial."

"New York Gov. Cuomo legalized gay marriage. I think it's great for everybody -- especially divorce lawyers."

"Anthony Weiner is back in the private sector now. ... I think it was his private sector that got him in trouble."