My son brings home a math work sheet. Eleven questions: What comes in groups of two? What comes in groups of three? What comes in groups of four? And on and on, all the way up to 12..

Here's one for ya: What comes in groups of a thousand? Legos, that's what. Specifically, the Queen Anne's Revenge Pirate Ship. A whopping 1,097 pieces. That's what my 5-year-old wants for Christmas.

And I thought all those pieces in a set of jacks were a nuisance. Checkers was really pushing it, and Monopoly just blew our minds. Who in their right mind wants a toy with over a thousand pieces? Our puzzles barely break 500. And I don't need a manual for those.

And while we're on that - I imagine the instructions detailing how to put 1,000 pieces together in a way that resembles something out of a Johnny Depp movie must rival the size of any epic novel. I guess after we finish the ship, we'll just store the manual on the bookshelf between the dictionary and the Bible.

Of course, knowing where we'll store the manual doesn't exactly help us with where we're gonna lay out the hundreds of Lego pieces. The kids are pretty good about clearing the kitchen table of books and crayons. But I imagine my hollering, "Quick, clear those last 800 Legos, this plate is HOT!" would put everybody in a tiz.

The coffee table is too small, the floor is too dangerous and the dining table is off limits - well, except for mail, packages, newspapers, dry-cleaning and any coat that doesn't make it the extra 2 feet into the closet.

Guess it'll have to be the kitchen table. How long could it take? Seriously, how long will it take? I spent a good half hour making a Lego car that could fly and float on water. A half hour working on the Queen Anne might produce the captain's quarters, but I can't see putting a dent in the bow or the stern in less than a week.

The description boasts "mayhem and mutiny." You got that right. I already see my 9-year-old plotting his takeover of this project. And I don't even want to think of the fallout when they can't lay their hands on one of those cannons. Or when they realize Mommy used the mast to dig something out of the disposal.

I guess what I'm really concerned about is my 5-year-old is asking for this, but it's for ages 9-16. So this thing will never actually get put together. And I'll be eating breakfast with a teeny tiny Blackbeard figurine until spring.

Good thing it comes with a free poster.