I guess some things are inevitable, but I was really hoping that my family’s (fortunately brief) brush with girl cliques would happen later than preschool. Figuring that we were just uniquely early in this aspect of social development I didn’t think I’d write about it here.
But now a handful of friends have mentioned independently that their 4 and 5 year olds (always girls) are coming home from school with similar issues. I mean, we’re talking about kids who for the most part can’t read or enunciate clearly somehow managing to figure out how to bully other kids. I spoke recently with one of my friends about her experiences with preschool bullying, and it was similar to other tales from other friends.
So it’s time to throw down the gauntlet.
If you’re reading this I challenge you to think about whether or not your kid is, quite frankly, a jerk. I know that this may involve getting off of your cell phone and asking your kid questions once and a while, but I have faith that you can do it. If you’re a teacher I challenge you to think if you’re providing enough varied activity to keep kids who may not yet be able to open their lunches from becoming mini-dictators.
Now, I understand that cliques are naturally going to happen. Psychologists are in agreement that they are inevitable, and each of us has some story about dealing with cliques or bullies in school. But there is absolutely no reason it should be happening in pre-school, when kids aren’t even there for a full day.
In one friend's experience, all the girls look up to a girl who is (literally in my opinion) too cool for school. They fight to see who gets to hang out with her on the playground, and they’re devastated when their petite idol turns them away.
Granted, I can see what makes this kid so great. She talks about poo. And says things are stinky. If Will Ferrell were in my class I’d want to hang out with him too.
But Mini-Will has realized her power over these other kids. She has taken to telling kids when they can and cannot eat lunch. She tells them where they can eat lunch. She holds court to decide who’s going to be hanging out when she’s pointing out what things on the playground are stinky.
Now, I know that my daughter’s teachers did a good job of stopping this behavior when they saw it. As for Mini-Will, I understand she gets in trouble from time to time for the meaner things she says. And, of course, she doesn’t actually have the power to determine when and where someone is going to eat.
But teachers can’t overhear every conversation, and they shouldn’t be expected to. We’ve instructed our daughter to tell any of her Mini-Wills, regardless if Mini-Will is picking on her or another kid, to respond with something like, “What you’re saying is not nice and can hurt feelings- I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who says things like that”. Obviously this strategy isn’t going to work when she’s in her teens- heck, it’ll probably backfire- but we’re talking about preschool here.
But here’s the other thing- until now my newly five year old wouldn’t have even thought of telling another kid when to eat. My friend's kid would never have thought of telling another kid she couldn’t play with her. So where is Mini-Will hearing this stuff? Home? That’s the only thing I can figure- but more importantly I do know that's exactly where Mini-Will isn't receiving the proper correction.
At some point our kids become responsible for their own behavior. We as parents are pretty much guaranteed to cringe at some friend choice, and forbidding certain friendships not only isn’t practical, but it’s pretty much assuring that you make it taboo and interesting. I begrudgingly accept this.
But I argue that as a parent of a FOUR YEAR OLD you ARE largely able to mold your child’s behavior. This is the age when your kid is learning social mores. And if you allow- and I assure you that neglecting to know that your kid is a jerk means you’re allowing it- your kid to bully you aren’t doing your child any favors.
So the gauntlet is thrown. I know my kid isn’t going to bully someone else. Can you say the same?
A few resources
http://www.overcomebullying.org/preschool-bullying.html
http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/bullying_helping_your_preschool_child.html
