We’ve become quite adept at camouflaging ourselves, hiding within the shades of gray that define our life; it’s hard to know for certain where we stand relative to one another in this dark valley, as we each walk alone…
At no other time is the weight of B’s loss felt as intensely as when our ‘new normal’ changes. It makes no difference whether temporary or permanent; any shift throws off the delicate balance we barely achieve on most days…
Even so, I try to accept whatever comes, because it forces us to keep moving: two steps forward, three steps back, three more forward, and so on, lest we give in or give up fighting the fight…
For three straight years, Brian’s door remained closed. Other than occasional sojourns in search of his scent, his presence, of any trace of him held inside, it was untouched. Until we decided to place the house on the market, at which time I had to literally make up the bed he left behind... The door to his room has been open since I cleaned, painted and made his room show-worthy; these days I rarely notice it’s ajar. For some unknown reason, his room stays eerily clean; even the dust bunnies dare not inhabit his space…
That all changed tonight.
Last week, a friend of Grace’s reached out to her, in desperate need of a temporary home…
Since the HVAC on the other side is still out of order, the options were either cramming in with Grace or using B’s room…
We’ve had mixed feelings about anyone ever spending one night in there, much less ‘living’ in it for any length of time. We laughed, cried, raged and ultimately agreed-if she was going to stay here, that was where she needed to be.
Reality: he doesn’t need the bedroom anymore; she does. But…her occupancy is a living, breathing reminder of his absence (not that we forget for one second)… It really, really hurts…
We put his golf bag in the closet; for the time being, I moved my ‘hope’ light from his window to another and we cleared some space for her belongings in his closet and his side of the bathroom.
Truth be told, she didn’t have much to move in…
I don’t know how this situation is going to work out, but as with everything, I believe it’s happening for a reason. I’m sure there’s a lesson or two in there for her, for us, or maybe both...
I have no doubt Brian would be fine with our decision. I wish I was as confident about everyone else staying fine too…
Wishing you sunshine and hope…tg
Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays
