I watched the Golden Globes the other night. Didn't know Matt LeBlanc was back on TV, but I don't watch it for the awards. I watch it for the clothes. And because "Entourage" isn't on Sunday nights anymore.
What's weird is what happens the day after the show. When the beautiful dresses, worn by the likes of Reese Witherspoon, Kate Winslet and Angelina Jolie, are now on a bunch of interns from the "Today" show being featured as your must-have knock-offs.
Here's what's wrong with the knock-off frock. If you knock off the dress, you're gonna have to knock off the shoes. The highest heel I have is a 1-inch clog. And since it's an Aerosole and has some give, it actually ends up being a little shorter than that.
You have to knock off the jewelry, too, and it's gotta be shiny. But I know a trick for this, because when kids want to make something shiny they put a bunch of glue on it and let it dry. And you need a knock-off handbag. Or at least take the shoulder strap off your purse.
And if you're gonna knock off the dress, shoes, jewelry and bag, you need to knock off the body. And the date. Because without the body and the man to go with it, it's just a dress on a starving intern who wishes she took the job at Matt LeBlanc's new show where she could wear her own clothes. And have a much better chance of meeting Jennifer Aniston.
Also, where are you going to wear it? It's a ball gown. And the PTA doesn't throw balls. It hosts Mother-Son Bowling. Even the Father-Daughter dance wouldn't work, because Meryl Streep's dress would swallow every girl in K-fifth. I'd say wear it to a wedding, but at my age everybody's already married, and second marriages are out; as we all know, those are impromptu destination weddings where the bride doesn't even wear shoes.
And isn't the whole idea of wearing the most beautiful dress on the planet to be the only girl wearing it? No one wants to have on the same dress. Even if the other girl is Heidi Klum. Actually, ESPECIALLY if the other girl is Heidi Klum. And if all your girlfriends have bought the same knock-off, not only are you wearing a bad copy of a celebrity's dress from some awards show, but now you're featured in the school newsletter's section of "Who Wore It Worst." With no hope of being re-elected recording secretary.
Really, the only place I could or would wear a Golden Globe knock-off would be a Hollywood-themed costume party. But even then I'd need a fake statue and a guy playing a Neil Lane security guard making sure one of my fake diamond Elmer's-glued earrings didn't fall off.
Man, I miss prom.
