Surviving the monsters-in-law

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Guest post from “Making of a Mrs.” blogger Sarah Ryberg. Thank you for sharing your advice, Sarah!

I’m worried about my relationship with my future mother-in-law. How can I handle those tough new situations?

-Katherine, Charlotte bride

When you get married, you’re not only gaining a spouse, you’re acquiring a new family as well. Sometimes having in-laws can go smoothly. You can be accepted into the family as if you were always a part of it. Other times, gaining new relatives can be a nightmare.

For some reason, your in-laws don’t approve of you. Which means negative comments when you’re together (sometimes when you’re not even around), and multiple attempts to sabotage what you and your partner have.

There are so many horror stories about bonding with new relatives. Kayla, a local Charlottean, says her mother-in-law is always insulting her weight. “One day, we were shopping on the top floor of the mall, and because she is afraid of heights, I held her arm and stood between her and the railing to block her view,” Kayla explains. “When I did this, she turned to me and said, ‘Thank you dear, with someone as big as you I can’t see a thing.’”

Dealing with the in-laws can be a problem no matter where you live. Sherry, from England, says her ex-mother-in-law subtly accused her of cheating. “On meeting my second child she went on about his red-gold hair – ‘Where did he get hair that color from? It's not from our side of the family! And you've got brown hair, Sherry,’” she recalls. “She might as well have said, 'You must be dating the milkman, too!’”

Elizabeth, another English native, says her mother-in-law tried to control her and her husband’s finances. “For some unknown reason, our credit card bill had been sent to his old address and she opened it thinking it was his brother’s statement,” she explains. “So my mother-in-law finds out that we’re in debt, and then ends up telling me not to marry him because he is a mess and can’t stand on his own two feet, basically comparing being in debt to committing murder.”

No matter how difficult building a relationship with your new family may be, for the sake of your marriage you have to try. Not only is it important to your new spouse, but you can’t avoid holidays or special occasions. Thankfully, there are ways to survive monsters-in-law. Follow a few of these tips, and you may make it through the worst parts of ‘for better or for worse.’

-Make time for yourselves during the holidays. While this first suggestion is a little obvious, Thanksgiving and Christmas can put a lot less pressure on you and your partner. If you’re always rushing from one stressful celebration to another, make sure you have some time on your own. After forcing a smile through all the inappropriate questions, you’ll appreciate that time to unwind and enjoy the holidays your way.

-Set guidelines. Now that you’ve started your own family, you and your spouse are in control of how you run your household; however, if your in-laws are always “suggesting” improvements, set guidelines about off-limit topics. For example, you may appreciate the childcare advice, but maybe you’re uncomfortable discussing finances. Let your relatives know how you feel, and anytime they start an off-limits conversation, be direct and explain you aren’t discussing those matters with them.

-Know when to talk to your partner and when not to. It’s important to talk to your new husband or wife about your concerns, because if you don’t, the stress you’re feeling will only get worse. After growing up with them, your partner may understand and be able to help you cope with your new family; however, try not to let your troubles consume your thoughts. Talking about the in-laws too much can also put tension on your marriage. After all, no matter what trouble your new relatives may start, they are still your spouse’s parents, and he or she won’t like the negative remarks.

-Don't participate in the arguments. When trouble starts, and spiteful actions or comments are directed towards you, just let it go. Participating will only make the conflicts between you and your in-laws worse, and just like you, your new family isn’t going anywhere. Being the bigger person is never the easiest route, but it does provide the least hassle in the end. Better yet, your spouse will love you even more for being the level-headed one.

-Try to include your in-laws. It can be difficult to include relatives when you aren’t getting along; however, if you’ve seen the movie “Monster in Law,” you’ll remember that a lot of in-laws are afraid of losing time with their children. By finding ways to incorporate your family into your lives (ways you are comfortable with, of course), you may find that your relationship with the in-laws will get better.

Names have been changed due to the personal nature of each story.

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