I’ve definitely had one of those days. I couldn’t decide what to do, where to go, or how to prioritize from one minute to the next. I hate being like this, itchy in my own skin, flighty and breathless... If only I could melt into a puddle of nothingness. Then I wouldn’t have to feel, I wouldn’t have to think, I wouldn’t have to try and pretend.
Because sometimes, I get tired of faking that it’s all okay…
It’s never one thing that gets you; it’s a series of things. Individually, they’re manageable, but when they fall on you one after another after another, you’re suddenly on the brink…
The organizers started my downward slide… Target was running a sale, so I picked up several shelving kits and an inexpensive nine-cube display/bookcase as part of my ongoing effort to ‘stage’… Everything was fine until I started putting the first set of shelves together; the words “assembly required” should have been a blinking warning sign. With each turn of the screwdriver, the memories unfurled. Visions of Brian assembling the ceiling fans…laying out the oak floor pieces…putting up shelves in his bedroom…helping John with the deck…connecting various electronic devices to each other…he always handled projects where assembly was required. The hole in my heart grew anew…
And then I noticed the smell… His unmistakable, slightly sweaty, late in the day teenage boy scent… Every time I walked up the stairs to my bedroom, it permeated the hallway, like he had passed through just ahead of me. His smell all but disappeared after I cleaned up his room seven months ago; now it’s back, strong as can be…
The final shove came from phone calls notifying us of two showings within eight hours of the new listing going live coupled with our realtor’s honey-do list, which I hardly had time to read, much less complete…
Although I thought I was ready, clearly I’m not…at least not tonight. I can’t stop thinking about how this is an ending: the end of our child rearing years. This is the last home where all of our children lived with us… I can’t help feeling when we leave here, I’ll be leaving B behind. All of my kids behind. Ridiculous, I know, but that’s how I feel.
I hope I can sleep this one off. Sometimes praying the prayer that never fails is the hardest one to pray…
Wishing you sunshine and hope…tg
Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays
