JAY LENO

"Tom Brady's wife Gisele publicly criticized the Patriots receivers for dropping some of her husband's passes. You know, it's one thing when you get chewed out by your coach. But to get chewed out by a supermodel, that's got to hurt."

"President Obama has ordered new sanctions against Iran's central bank for engaging in deceptive practices. You know, I got a better idea. How about sanctions against OUR banks for deceptive practices?"

"President Obama spoke at the national prayer breakfast. The president said that his Christian faith is the driving force behind his economic policies. So I guess instead of blaming Bush, it's now all Jesus' fault."

"I guess you heard Mitt Romney is now getting Secret Service protection. That's just to protect him from the poor."

"Mitt Romney is taking a lot of heat for saying he's not concerned with the very poor. I don't think he helped himself, either. Like today he says he does care about the homeless -- especially the summer home-less."

"Romney knows how President Obama thinks. Because when he was governor of Massachusetts, he thought the exact same way."

"There are signs that Newt Gingrich's campaign is starting to run out of money. He's dropped Tiffany and he's buying all of his jewelry on QVC now."

"The House of Representatives has passed a bill that prohibits people from using welfare money in strip clubs or liquor stores. I agree with that. Strip clubs and liquor stores should be off limits for people who get government funds -- you know, like congressmen."

"The agriculture department says we now have the smallest cattle population in 60 years. That shows you how fat we're getting. We're close to putting cows on the endangered species list."

DAVID LETTERMAN

"Mitt is the guy you think you look like. Newt is the guy you actually look like."

"Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the moon."

"Happy birthday to Zsa Zsa Gabor, she's 95 years old. I thought she did a great job at the Super Bowl halftime."

STEPHEN COLBERT

"To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy."

CRAIG FERGUSON

"Madonna came into the Super Bowl halftime show carried by muscle-bound men. It's a good thing she wasn't carried in by the Patriots, because they would have dropped her."

"Newt and Hillary are very similar. Both spent the '90s trying to figure out who Bill was sleeping with. And they have the same tailor."