Oh, how it hurt to remember… I felt like a million tiny arrows hit their mark, precisely centered on my heart…
I never dreamed the special memories I hoped to create would be so painful to recall later in my life…
A simple card beside a heart shaped box of chocolates (identical except for the cover graphic) and boxers for Brian, t-shirts for the girls… These tiny tokens of affection waited to greet them first thing on Valentine’s morning, intended to assure each of them that they were greatly loved, regardless of whatever else happened (or didn’t) later in the day…
Their reactions changed as they grew older, going from “Can I eat this for breakfast?” to “Gee, thanks Mom…” accompanied by an eye roll…
The earnest excitement of elementary school, cards spilling out of stapled construction paper hearts… The inevitable highs and lows of middle school, dependent entirely upon carnations, stuffed bears and phone calls or the lack thereof… Playing grown up in high school, trading flower bouquets, candy and dinner with friends, significant other or not…
My routine never varied…until four years ago… I simply couldn’t face row after row lined with boxes of chocolates, knowing I only needed two instead of three…
I avoided continuing my silly little Valentine’s day ‘I Love You’ tradition because without Brian, it felt all wrong.
But love never ends…as long as you remember, as long as you share what’s in your heart.
Tomorrow morning, John, the girls and our houseguest will awaken to a different version of my old habit, declaring my same old message: ‘You are Loved’.
Recalling the happiness of those mornings together was worth the pain, because it pushed me to pick up where I left off… I’m not betraying my love for my son, I’m honoring it by saying so and passing it on…
Happy Valentine’s Day, B, you are always remembered, you are so very loved…
Wishing you sunshine and hope…tg
Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays
