Valentine’s Day was earlier this week, and while it doesn’t rank in the top five of favorite holidays for me, I don’t revile it the way many more progressive people do.
We survived in the usual manner- I received an amazing handmade card from my wife that trumps any phony Hallmark card out there. My wife received some candy and a Hallmark card (the only non-phony one, ahem). Also, I gave her a compass.
But the one who really cashed in was my daughter- if our national currency was based on artificial colors, flavors, and preservatives she’d be rich. I added the new sweets to our bag of candy from Christmas and Halloween- for any of those "organic fruity hippie baby momma” types on here who complain about preservatives I would just point out the frugality of being able to add a foodstuff from February to a foodstuff from October. Plus you are what you eat, and this stuff lasts forever, whereas your agave-almond-soy crunch treat lasts about 6 hours before it goes bad and never tastes as good.
Now, Valentine’s Day doesn’t carry the fears that Halloween does about doctored candy and razor blades, but I am relentless in my pursuit of candy safety, so I looked through each piece my child received. After removing the Smarties, Sweetarts, Pixie Sticks, Fun Dip, and Wonka Bottle Caps I had all of my favorites and decided my daughter could keep the rest.
The rest basically consisted of waxy chocolate, Laffy-pull-your-fillings-and-crowns-out-Taffy, and those ubiquitous nasty conversation hearts. And while I mean nasty in that they taste like compressed Necco wafers I discovered an interesting one:
I’m pretty sure this says “Jump Me”.
Now, I’ve never been called a prude, but I’m not known for residing in the gutter either (no comments from the peanut gallery). But the uncomfortable truth is that to me “Jump Me” has…weeeellllll… a kind of sexual connotation.
There IS a little blurred smudge before the “Me”. Maybe it’s supposed to say “Jump ON Me”? Well, that’s not better. The only appropriate thing I can see fitting there is “With”. But who goes around saying “Jump With Me”?
Furthermore, “With Me” leaves 7 character spaces on the bottom of the heart; a cursory glace at the remaining candies shows that none have 7 character spaces on either the top or bottom. Oh and before someone suggests it, of course I checked the bag to see if there were any other “Jump” related conversations. There were none.
So I don't know what to do. By the time I have grandchildren I may have to develop a taste for these hearts just to keep who-knows-what kind of dirty message out of their mouths. Where's One Million Moms when you need them??
