I was trying to catch a late night weather update on News14 when I saw him… I instantly recognized the demeanor: the unmistakable grief etched into his face, the disbelief evident in every spoken syllable… “You’ve made a mistake; you’ve got the wrong boy…” It took me straight back to my own moment, the seconds after our world imploded and our nightmare began. I saw my husband’s image reflected in this father’s eyes; I heard his adamant refusal repeated over and over in my mind…
Some days I struggle to remember that there was a time when I didn’t know about such things. It was a kinder time, a time when my world was colorful and bright, where the worst thing I ever imagined happening involved a professional misstep of some sort, nothing of any real importance. It never occurred to me that this could happen; parents are not supposed to bury their children.
I now know it happens all the time; just pick up the paper or turn on the evening news. The list of reasons is infinite: traffic accidents, childhood cancers, alcohol poisoning/drug overdose, suicide, accidental drowning, murder, SIDS, miscarriage, other illnesses, far more causes than I can possibly say. I’ve no doubt the latest unwilling initiates into this, the most despised fellowship I’ve ever known, didn’t think this unspeakable thing could happen to them either. It’s simply not how things are supposed to go…
My heart aches for each and every one of them. There is no love stronger than that of a parent for their child, and no pain greater should their child be lost…
In those early minutes, hours and days following Brian’s accident, I desperately wanted to find someone who knew what I was going through, a person who had somehow managed to keep living after losing a child. I needed to hear I wasn’t crazy, that it was okay to feel what I was feeling. I didn’t want another volume on the stages of grief or how the process worked; there was plenty of reading material available about it. I wanted something that described how it felt and/or how a family forced themselves to get up, brush their teeth and keep going, day after day… I never found what I was looking for, but I was blessed to have other travelers come forward to let me know that I too, could survive…
I’ve hoped to do so many things in sharing our journey…
Several people have asked how to find our story from the beginning; I’m not sure how to get there or if it is even possible anymore, so I’ve devised a plan to re-post the first pieces and should have it underway later this week.
I pray it will help someone else thrust into this dark and lonely valley find a tiny bit of light…
Wishing you sunshine and hope…tg
Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays
