I have gone from being a woman I don’t know how to be to one I don’t wish to be with alarming regularity… The eyes staring out of the mirror have taken on a hard edge, in addition to reflecting deep pools of sadness…
In sorting through my thoughts and feelings of late, I’ve discovered an old enemy has returned and made himself at home in our family. This time around, he’s moved into my head and is currently waging war on my heart…
For nearly four years, I’ve thought myself beyond the reach of irrational, misguided anger; after all, I’ve been the steady one, the level-headed person who insisted upon peace, forgiveness and love… It’s disturbing how much time and energy I’ve wasted recently by being mad and upset, particularly over things that haven’t bothered me until now. Like every chronic overachiever, I guess I believed I had ‘exempted out’ of the anger stage of the grief process. Discovering otherwise has only served to stoke the fire even more…
It’s nothing overt, like yelling or telling someone off; instead, it’s manifested itself as an infectious disease tainting my thoughts… Whenever someone mentions difficulties with a child around Brian’s age, my internal dialogue has shifted from “I’m so sorry, that must be really hard” to variations of “You should consider yourself lucky”…
The thing is, I’ve concluded it’s not even about them…
I suppose I should just say it: I’m finally really pissed at Brian, with our circumstances and everything we are/will miss sharing as a family because of his one careless, albeit unintended, mistake…
Talking about it logically doesn’t help; this is not something that can be reasoned away. I know the obvious facts; I’ve often said them to my family: it was a stupid accident, he didn’t mean for it to happen, it does no good to be mad at him, he paid the biggest price and so on…
I suspect this phase is like the initial suffocating pain of the beginning; it must be experienced, endured and pushed through if it is to be survived and overcome…
I’ve always done things out of order in my life, so I don’t know why I’m surprised… Time to return to what I know is tried and true: one breath at a time, one day at a time, and eventually, this too, shall pass…
“You cannot make yourself feel something you do not feel, but you can make yourself do right in spite of your feelings.”-Pearl S. Buck
Wishing you many blessings…tg
Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays
