On the radio, they are talking about what makes a great mom. I start thinking about what I do that my kids would say make me a good mother – like the four C’s – cooking, cleaning, clothing and carpooling.
But then I think about my own mother. And it’s not what she does that makes her a great mom. It’s what she doesn’t do.
Starting with, she doesn’t try to run my life. She has her own, full, wonderful life. Best she lead by example and hope I catch on. She never told me what classes to take, what sports to play or what friends to have. She found her passions and made great friends. It made me want to seek and find those things, too.
She doesn’t criticize me. Or my decisions. Like when I took a job at CNN in the late ’80s that only paid $12,000 a year. Or when I ran off to LA to work in the movie business, which is basically joining the circus, she didn’t tell me to come home. Or to find a real job. Or to make sure I work with Tom Hanks.
She doesn’t snoop, she doesn’t pry, and she doesn’t ask questions she doesn’t really want the answers to. But something doesn’t feel true until I’ve told my mom, and so I always crack. But I am given the time to collect my thoughts and share it in my own way.
She doesn’t question or play devil’s advocate, and she doesn’t judge. And when I went through my divorce last summer I was grateful for this. I just needed her to listen, and we logged a thousand hours on the telephone. Because she never says, “No, I can’t talk.”
She never sugarcoated, or covered for me, or cleaned up my messes. But she never made me feel guilty. I was given the gift of true and complete unconditional love, whereby I could learn from my mistakes, suffer the consequences, but be forgiven and allowed to move forward without shame. She doesn’t say, “I told you so.”
She never asks, “Are you going to wear that, who cuts your hair, and what’s wrong with your eyebrows?” You’d be surprised how many mothers ask this. She doesn’t make me come home, or offer free advice, or tell me how to raise my children. I get to make my own plans, my own decisions, and raise my children as I see fit.
So today, I’ll try to remember that maybe it’s not what I do that matters to my boys. But maybe what I don’t do. Although I did get to work with Tom Hanks.
And though she didn’t say it – I could tell – Mom was quite pleased.
