It is my pleasure to address the graduating class of 2012.

For those of you live-tweeting, it’s spelled G-E-E-Z-E-R.

Today is the day your parents have looked forward to for years. When you go home, you’ll find all your stuff piled at the curb.

If you go into business, inevitably there will be a supervisor who is always encouraging you to “think outside the box.” Nod enthusiastically and enjoy them. They won’t be there for long.

Nothing will sap your energy more than a bad boss. If you get one, fire yourself and go find a better one.

There is no such thing as a simple number.

At the office, that thing on the desk with the coiled wire is called a telephone.

Anyone who tells you the application is “user friendly” is kidding.

Some lies are so useful that they are recorded for phone use. “Your call will be answered in the order it was received” means you’re in for a long, long wait. “Your call is important to us” means they absolutely don’t want to talk to you, otherwise they’d hire someone to answer the phone.

Ants and rodents are nature’s way of telling you to clean the kitchen.

Your odds of getting on “American Idol” are about 100,000 to 1. Winning it is actually the easy part. With almost everything, the hardest part is getting started.

Loopy and irresponsible can be amusing traits in a boyfriend. But do not consider promoting him to husband.

Hard choices for grown-ups: Would you rather read that important text message or glimpse at the truck about to pull out in front of you?

Treat your career like a vacation. Select a dream destination and start working to get there.

Getting a roommate who’s always in crisis is like living on a boat that’s always sinking.

You know you’re over the hill when you start saying things like, “I remember when you could fill up the car for only $50.”

Most bad decisions are repairable. Choosing the right spouse is one you have to live with.

When somebody says it’s one of those good news/bad news things, it’s a bad news thing.

Money’s important, but the most important thing you spend in life is time.

Adolescence is the phase where you realize you’ll never be as dumb as your parents. Maturity is the phase where you wonder whether you’ll ever be as smart.

That’s it for advice. Congratulations. Here are the keys to the Earth. Take it for a spin. And, if you don’t mind, please do something we didn’t: Leave it in better shape than you found it.