We’ve been so busy staying busy and squeezing every possible productive minute out of each day that once again, we’ve forgotten to live for anything other than work… Whether this has been an intentional or subconscious coping mechanism, I cannot say with any certainty, but one thing I know for sure: we would all prefer to fast forward through the next fourteen days without pause.
Pushing myself past the point of exhaustion has been working well in keeping my focus off of the upcoming anniversary-at least it was, until two nights ago, when the nightmares began. No longer am I struggling with the familiar demons that lurk in the twilight span, since I’m out in less than a fraction of the usual time; instead, a new assortment of monsters have come alive in my dreams, tormenting me throughout the night… The ache in my bones is nothing compared to that of my head once I manage to claw my way out of the dark…
Horrible images of B and my grandmother, in circumstances and states of being which I will not describe, have taken over my dreamscape…
I’m being haunted by should haves, would haves, could haves, and why didn’t yous…
I’ve known for several years I don’t handle things well when I’m overly tired, but this is a new low, betraying myself while sleeping… Of course, in the past, it wasn’t the extreme physical tiredness like it has been recently…
I suppose the bottom line remains the same; it’s one I should know quite well by now. There’s no fighting it. Grief and heartache will have its way with you, if not in the usual capacity, without fail it will find another…
We are giving away ‘Remember Brian 06-12-08’ bracelets again for the fourth anniversary. Please email rememberbrian@mindspring.com if you are interested with your mailing address & I will gladly send one (or more) to you! Also, if you are in need of a replacement, I have plenty to share!
Wishing you many blessings, sunshine and hope…tg
Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays
