“Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.”

“A new book claims President Obama smoked a lot of marijuana while in college. And in a related story to boost his street cred, Mitt Romney admitted he was once hooked on phonics.”

“A new government survey shows that teenagers are now smoking more marijuana than they are smoking cigarettes. Experts say heavy pot smoking by young people impairs thinking, distorts perception, and can be a gateway to the White House.”

“Guantanamo Bay is now undergoing millions of dollars worth of renovations, including a new soccer field, cable TV, and better housing. Which is kind of ironic. The only people who say they’re better off today than they were four years ago are the inmates at Guantanamo Bay.”

“In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22 percent. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to the Greek president Barack Obama-opolis.”

JIMMY FALLON

“A new report found that Mitt Romney’s economic plan would not have any effect on unemployment. When he heard that Romney’s plan wouldn’t make any difference, Obama was like, ‘Hey, that’s MY thing!’ ”

“Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy featuring out-of-work Americans. It gets weird at the end when he says, ‘I’m Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people.’ ”

“President Obama’s campaign is spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial hitting Mitt Romney’s business record. Though Obama’s made some bad business moves too – like spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial.”

“(Last) weekend President Obama’s daughter, Sasha, turned 11 years old. Sasha didn’t ask Obama for a present — you know, because she’s still waiting for him to deliver the gifts he promised three birthdays ago.”

DAVID LETTERMAN

“Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed giant cans of soda. I saw a guy today walking down the street and a cop is arresting him because he’s got a huge can of soda, and he said ‘No, no, this is medicinal Mountain Dew.’ ”

“Now Mayor Bloomberg wants to make something else illegal. He wants to remove the third layer from a club sandwich.”

“Somebody has been leaking classified information. John McCain is outraged. He wants to get to the bottom of who is leaking the classified information and also he wants to find out who keeps messing with his thermostat.”

“Mitt Romney is going on a six-state bus tour. Mitt is very excited because he’s never been on a bus.”