So Madonna’s crazy tour demands have been leaked. The Material Girl’s backstage rider says she travels with a 200-person entourage, including 30 bodyguards, personal chefs, a yoga instructor and an acupuncturist.

She also requires 20 international phone lines, lilies and light-pink roses, and to make it feel like home away from home, she requires all the furniture be replaced with her own pieces that she ships in.

Gets me thinking about what MY rider would look like. What exactly would I require should I be on the road? Obviously, I wouldn’t be giving a concert, but what if I were to, say, be speaking at your book club? What would I need with me?

First of all, 200 people is not an entourage. It’s a wedding reception. I would only want my mom or some girlfriends to come along.

And looking at the bare necessities, there are four things I must have with me when I travel: La Croix sparkling water (any flavor), cuticle oil, Zyrtec and a flat iron. Beyond that, I can make do.

Now, if I were allowed to really put whatever I want on there, I would say maybe just one chef and one bodyguard. A chef to make me whatever my heart desires, and a bodyguard to make sure I don’t put any of it in my body. And I don’t need a yoga instructor. Maybe just my neighbor Alison because we always walk together.

No flowers. Unless you add Singulair to the Zyrtec. And an IV of Claritin. Now if you want to throw some rose petals in my bubble bath, that’s fine. And I would say no international phone lines. Or phone lines. Or phones, for that matter. I’ve already got Mom and my girlfriends with me. And my kids don’t call, they only text.

I don’t need an acupuncturist, but a manicurist would be great for a pedicure. Or just somebody to rub my feet. And I actually like being away, so having my home brought to me is only going to ruin it for me. Besides, my favorite piece of furniture is my awesome coffee table, which would be a silly thing for me to travel with.

But if I were giving a world book tour, with the sky the limit, I’d want my whole family, all my best friends, Wolfgang Puck and NO bodyguard. A pitcher of Sangria, and white slip-covered sofas placed around my awesome coffee table. Red roses and an allergist. A manicurist, a stylist and a realist. Zoes Kitchen chicken salad, The Penguin’s banana pudding, Vanity Fair magazine, Sting, and an extra person in case I need a kidney.

And lime La Croix.