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JAY LENO
“The record-breaking heat wave hitting the rest of the country is now hitting Los Angeles. I was sweating like President Obama trying to spin the latest unemployment numbers.”
“It was so hot, Eric Holder was smuggling water pistols.”
“It was so hot, immigrants were crossing the border on Slip ’n’ Slides.”
“Mitt Romney’s campaign raised $35 million more than President Obama for the month of June. Out of force of habit, Mitt stashed it all in the Cayman Islands.”
“An awkward moment for Mitt Romney today in Colorado. A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was Swiss Francs.”
“Katie Holmes has divorced Tom Cruise. I didn’t think ‘Rock of Ages’ was THAT bad.”
DAVID LETTERMAN
“The House of Representatives will vote for the 30th time on healthcare. For the 30th time they’ll vote it down again. Who says these guys aren’t doing stuff, huh?”
“It’s so hot that Katie Holmes demanded custody of the air conditioner.”
“Mitt Romney is now promising conservatives that if he is elected, he will put Anderson Cooper back in the closet.”
“Mitt Romney is worth $250 million. I saw him interviewed and they said, ‘Mitt, how did you get so much money?’ He said, ‘You know what? I always buy store-brand ketchup’ .”
JIMMY FALLON
“The White House is telling Americans not to ‘read too much’ into Friday’s bad jobs report. Or as Americans put it, ‘You had me at don’t read too much.’ ”
“In a new interview, Mitt Romney said he doesn’t know where his financial records are because he doesn’t manage them. Yeah, he would have said more, but he had to give a speech on why he’s the perfect guy to fix the economy.”
“Comic-Con starts this week in San Diego — and get this: it’ll actually feature a blood drive. Because that’s what comic book fans need — a way to look even more pale.”
“Barney Frank became the first congressman to enter a same-sex marriage. As opposed to most congressmen, who prefer to just enter someone else’s marriage.”
“A high school in Indiana is requiring every student to buy an iPad instead of using textbooks. That’s nothing. In China they require every student to MAKE an iPad instead of using textbooks.”
“Best Buy just announced plans to lay off 600 Geek Squad employees. In response, Geek Squad employees were like, ‘Phew, good thing I already live with my parents.’ ”
“Over the weekend, a man in Massachusetts was chased by a great white shark while he was kayaking for the first time. Or as he’s now calling it, ‘kayaking for the LAST time.’ ”
