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Wedding version 2; he’s just not into her

By Andrea Bonior By Andrea Bonior
Andrea Bonior
Andrea Bonior (that's BONN-yer!) is a licensed clinical psychologist, professor, and writer. She completed her M.A. and Ph.D. in clinical psychology focusing on individual and group psychotherapy for young adults and specializing in the treatment of anxiety disorders and depression.

Q: My friend got pregnant just after getting engaged. She was upset that she couldn’t pull off her dream wedding before the baby arrived, so she’s decided to have a small wedding this August and then a huge wedding next August. I’m very happy for her, but I feel like it’s selfish to have two weddings. Why should her friends and family have to shell out for a “wedding” after she’s already been married for a year?

Part of the beauty of friendship is that it opens us up to people who see things differently than we do. This also means we must sometimes tolerate choices we’re not so fond of.

If you tend to see your friend as a selfish, materialistic person, and this feels like the final straw, that’s one thing. But this seems like a blip on the screen, probably driven by the craziness of the Bridal Industrial Complex.

So do your best to overlook it. She is far from the first person to want both a marriage certificate before her child’s birth and the opportunity to celebrate her marriage when she’s not liable to throw up in the calla lilies.

Q: I was in a relationship for six years with a man old enough to be my father. He was lavish in his giving and very good to me. He just recently told his daughter about me and that he had me in his will/estate. From that point on, the relationship went sour. He acts like he’s avoiding me and wants me to get lost. It’s hard for me to move forward. I think about him frequently. Recently, I called him to see how he was doing, and he is still acting like he wants me to leave him alone. Should I just stop calling him?

A: I think you know the answer here. He’s essentially broken up with you whether the reason is lame or not. Continuing to seek out his cold shoulder is just being cruel to yourself.

It makes sense that it’s difficult for you to move on. You were together for quite a long time. So you must devote your efforts to nourishing yourself in other ways, keeping yourself busy with friends, work and activities, being honest about your feelings through journaling or even talking to someone. My heart goes out to you, but the sooner you accept this, the sooner you can heal.

Andrea Bonior is a clinical psychologist and the author of “The Friendship Fix.” www.drandreabonior.com.
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