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JIMMY FALLON
“There’s talk that Mitt Romney’s campaign is paying for Twitter followers. Yes, he’s paying for people to like him. Or, as it’s called, politics.”
“I read that one of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: ‘Are you the only two choices?’ ”
“Mitt Romney is getting a lot of attention for a series of gaffes he’s made while he’s in London. And in response, Romney said that he has nothing but respect for the people of England, especially their monarch, Queen Latifah.”
“(Today) President Obama will celebrate his 51st birthday. Obama already got one really nice gift: Mitt Romney’s trip to London.”
“Germany has opened a new hotline that lets people call in and yell curse words at strangers on the other end. We have something similar in America. It’s called Time Warner customer service.”
CONAN O’BRIEN
“The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.”
“So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can’t wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.”
“Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans.”
“This year’s Olympics will be replacing the women’s beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of ‘Buzzkillistan.’ ”
“A cyber attack on Iranian nuclear facilities is causing all their computers to play AC/DC. Today, the attackers said ‘If our demands aren’t met, tomorrow we start blasting Nickelback.’ ”
JAY LENO
“The Obama campaign spent more money in June than it took in. Every businessman will tell you, you can’t run a campaign like that. Apparently, you can run a government like that, but not a campaign.”
“The Jim Henson company, which created the Muppets, have cut their ties with Chick-fil-A because of the company’s anti-gay marriage stance. Insiders say the move came after intense pressure from Bert and Ernie.”
“Mitt Romney said while he is in Europe, he won’t be apologizing to anybody. He has nothing to apologize for. A lot of those people overseas now have good jobs because of him. They are very, very grateful.”
“Mitt Romney annoyed the British by saying that London seemed unprepared for the Olympics. You know, putting his foot in his mouth like that is not very presidential. Vice presidential, sure. Yeah, but not presidential.”
