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JAY LENO
“Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan as his running mate. Experts say Ryan can add something vital to this campaign that Mitt Romney lacks: a personality.”
“Mitt Romney kept his selection of Ryan as his VP nominee secret for more than a week. You know how he was able to keep it secret? He had it hidden next to his tax returns.”
“Researchers at the University of Minnesota say movie theater popcorn may cause memory loss. See, that explains why Hollywood keeps making the same movies over and over again.”
“Wasn’t it thrilling when the U.S. women’s team took home the gold in gymnastics? Think about that. A group of American teenagers getting a higher score than a bunch of Chinese kids — that never happens.”
“Usain Bolt won the gold for the men’s 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school — kind of like Mitt Romney.”
JIMMY KIMMEL
“A government survey has found that for the first time, 12 states have what they described as very high obesity rates. The survey was conducted by telephone. It just as easily could have been conducted by mirror.”
“It’s a good thing people don’t lie about their weight because otherwise we might be even fatter than we thought.”
“Romney and Ryan kind of look like a father and son in an ad for Super Cuts.”
“Paul Ryan’s plan is to cut government spending with his razor-sharp widow’s peak…You could open a can of beans with that.”
BILL MAHER
“Tell me one area where Paul Ryan and Sarah Palin would disagree? I cannot find one area. So somehow he’s the smartest guy in the party and she’s the stupidest woman on earth, but they agree on everything.”
DAVID LETTERMAN
“How many of you have the Paul Ryan fever? They say that Paul Ryan will humanize Romney. And I thought, hell, an amoeba could humanize Romney.”
“In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common: the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof.”
JIMMY FALLON
“Mitt Romney is hoping to energize Republicans by announcing Paul Ryan as his running mate. Seriously? That’s like trying to spice up a bowl of oatmeal with more oatmeal.”
“Speaking of Paul Ryan, a new poll actually found that 42 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney’s running mate, which isn’t too bad considering most Americans don’t approve of Paul Ryan’s running mate.”
“North Korea could test a nuclear missile in two weeks. North Korea says this launch will go much better than previous ones because they got twice as much Diet Coke and Mentos.”
