Share
JAY LENO
“At a campaign stop in Virginia, Joe Biden said he is such a NASCAR fan, he said, ‘I’d trade being vice president in a heartbeat for winning Daytona.’ To which President Obama said, ‘Deal!’ ”
“Happy birthday to gold medalist sprinter Usain Bolt. He turned 26 this week. You know the sad thing? His world record time has already been broken by Republicans running away from Missouri Congressman Todd Akin.”
“Todd Akin, the Republican Senate candidate from Missouri, is under fire for his controversial comments that women who are “legitimately raped are less likely to get pregnant.” The good news? Candidates who are legitimately that stupid are less likely to get elected.”
“According to a new study, eating egg yolks after the age of 40 is as bad for you as smoking. Let me tell you something. If you are stupid enough to eat a 40-year-old egg yolk, you get what you deserve.”
“Mitt Romney says he’s never paid less than 13 percent in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13 percent of his money is in this country.”
JON STEWART
“The Pennsylvania voter ID law, according to one study ... will disenfranchise 9% of the entire Pennsylvania electorate. But that’s the price you pay for preventing something that doesn’t happen.”
DAVID LETTERMAN
“Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That’s too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.”
“Missouri Congressman Todd Akin has some interesting views on health. I think he’s in a little hot water. Penn State took down his statue today.”
“Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They’re busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.”
“On the first night, Mitt will be introduced by his money.”
BILL MAHER
“Why is everything so off limits with Mitt Romney? We can’t ask him about his taxes, we can’t ask him about Bain Capital, his business for 25 years, we can’t ask him about his religion. How can a guy who is such a boring cipher have so many secrets? It’s like waterboarding Ryan Seacrest.”
“It’s only been six days that they’ve been together as a ticket, and already Paul Ryan is flip-flopping on everything. All week long, Romney has been attacking Obama on his $700 billion in Medicare cuts. Apparently Ryan in his plan had the exact same thought, until yesterday when Romney announced that Ryan had changed his position. They say this happens to everybody who gets too close to Mitt Romney. Suddenly your most firmly held beliefs just vanish. In fact the only way to avoid it is by only looking at a reflection of Romney in the mirror.”
STEPHEN COLBERT
“Only one publication had a reporter with Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan on day one, ‘People Magazine.’ Or as Mitt Romney calls it ‘Corporation Magazine.’ ”
