CHARLOTTE, N.C. I wouldn’t be a good protester. I don’t want to write on my clothes. And I really don’t want to write “Occupy Charlotte.” Do you know how hard it is to do perfect “C’s” and “O’s” with a Sharpie? On jersey?

Besides, Charlotte is plenty occupied. We’ve got a national convention in town that we’re trying to pull off. I’m occupied with DNC events, volunteer shifts, and a deadline every day. I think I speak for all Charlotteans when I say: Don’t worry about keeping us occupied. We’re good.

And those protesters don’t want me – I’m too picky about words. Slogans like “Greed Isn’t Green” make me crazy. It’s absolutely green – green is the color of money. When I think of greed, I think of green money. And Gordon Gekko.

And I can’t sleep on the ground. In a park. Especially in Marshall Park, right across from a hotel. I’d be at the front desk asking for the continental breakfast faster than you can say, “Blue Horseshoe loves Anacott Steel.” (“Wall Street” – you gotta rent it.)

The protester campground is pretty cool. It’s just like Krzyzewskiville – the tent city the Duke students pitch when lining up for tickets to the Duke/UNC game. But with Deadheads.

And they posted reminders, such as “This Is Not A Hook Up Space.” (Here’s where the similarity ends.)

Keep me on the outside of a barricade. I thought those people intentionally marched together. But standing on the sidewalk watching 800 people in Sunday’s protest go by, I realize they’re actually stuck together. The humidity melts the paint on their signs and clothes and makes glue.

Marching is what my kids do when I order them upstairs to their rooms. Shouting is what I do the whole time they’re marching. Giant signs are for PTA bake sales. And bullhorns are for getting kids out of bed.

And trust me, I’ll pick up a bullhorn faster than you can say “I’m going to make you rich, Bud Fox.” (Sorry – SUCH a good movie.)

Now what I will say is that the protest scene in the park looks pretty chill. If I could get a bunch of my girlfriends together and we could all get sitters? I’d hang out there all day. And I’d totally write on my shirt, because I know my friends – they would have stencils.

And I notice the protesters have smartphones. And laptops. We could watch a movie …

I know just the one.