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If your dog were a Republican …

By Doug Robarchek

CHARLOTTE, N.C. In a bold new position paper issued on Thursday, the final day of the Democratic blah blah blah blah blah I am sick of this cockamamie thing already, Democrats made a proposal that was hailed by observers all across the political spectrum, from ultra-liberal Democrats to ultra-ultra-liberal Democrats: mandatory abortions for everybody. Including men.

Republicans seemed close to agreeing, as long as one conservative condition was tacked on: That nobody ever have sex. Ever. At all.

Republicans also came out of hiding long enough to make another proposal: that “Big Government” get off our backs and pass a law decreeing that only poor people pay taxes. In addition, they announced a change in their Official Campaign Slogan, which moderate party members felt was a bit harsh: “Democrats smell like doody.”

The new slogan will be, “Republicans: At least we’re not diseased vermin like some parties.”

Meanwhile, as the reporter who isn’t afraid to ask the hard questions, I continued my Unconventional Convention Quiz. Today’s question: “What would you do if you found out your dog was a Republican?”

Edgar Baker Phillips, a delegate from the Virgin Islands: “I’d put some arsenic in his food.”

California delegate Bruce Hamilton: “I’d take him to the Humane Society and trade him in.”

Sharon Davis, a Texas delegate: “I’d check his credentials before I got him in the first place, because I’d never have a Republican dog. But dogs are smarter than Republicans.”

One humorous note: Two delegates were doing the backstroke in a soufflé pan, and one …

FLASH: We interrupt this item for a special bulletin. Senior GOP strategists have just announced that the party’s new slogan actually will be: “Republicans – The other white meat.”

We now return you to the regular item, already in progress.

… and Biden said, “My hat? I thought it was your hat!”

Anyway, there was a much more important question to deal with Thursday, namely, why I didn’t get to go to the President’s speech. I mean, I had a ticket, thanks to kind friends.

The speech, of course, was moved from Bank of America Stadium, which seats, like, a million, to Time-Warner Cable Arena, which seats 12 for Bobcats games. If the Bobcats could draw 12.

But why was it moved? I asked a top-level Democratic Party spokesman whom I can’t identify because I made him up, and he said the speech was moved because of expected bad weather. And whose fault was the weather?

Of course. Dang those Republicans.

Robarchek is retired Observer humor columnist
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