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JAY LENO
“According to the Labor Department, unemployment fell from 8.3 percent to 8.1 percent last month. But that’s because 368,000 Americans gave up looking for work. Today, President Obama said that’s a step in the right direction, and he is encouraging more Americans to give up looking for work.”
“Anti-American crowds have been protesting and burning American flags over that anti-Islamic film. And the U.S. is now bracing for more protests next week when the film comes out on Blu-ray.”
“All over the world people are chanting, ‘Death to America.’ Except in China, where they’re chanting, ‘Not until we get our money back.’ ”
CONAN O’BRIEN
“Mitt Romney was in Los Angeles today for a fundraiser. So that’s one more handsome guy in L.A. auditioning for a role he probably won’t get.”
“Mitt Romney is trailing in the polls. After being accused of being too vague, Romney’s campaign team says they will start being more specific. When asked when, they said, ‘Soon-ish.’ ”
JIMMY KIMMEL
“It’s the one-year anniversary of occupying Wall Street protests. Remember those? They stomped out greed forever.”
JIMMY FALLON
“The CEO of IKEA announced that he will retire next year after 34 years with the company. Of course, it was awkward when IKEA just gave him pieces of a gold watch with instructions on how to put it together.”
“I read that the Apple executive who designed the iPhone just bought a new $17 million mansion in California. And if there’s any justice at all, he’ll find out the new house isn’t compatible with any of the furniture from his last house.”
SETH MEYERS
“A new poll shows that after the Democratic National Convention, President Obama got a four-point bounce in the polls, which means that’s he’s now only five points behind Bill Clinton.”
“Obama joked this week that Bill Clinton, who has been campaigning for him, should be appointed to the role of Secretary of Explaining Stuff. Hey, you know what’s another good name for that position? President.”
BILL MAHER
“It’s nice to know that no matter how bad things get in the Middle East, Mitt Romney is always there to make them worse. You saw him this week when our embassies were under attack, before any facts were in he tried to score political points because he sees everything as a business opportunity. This is a man who would sell ad time during a moment of silence.”
“A lot of Republicans are blaming Obama for all of this because he’s weak. Right, you know what, if we were attacked in Egypt, Libya, and Yemen, George Bush would know what to do. Invade Iraq.”
“Mitt Romney went on live with Kelly and Michael and tried to answer these hardball questions. He was asked what he wears to bed. He said, ‘as little as possible.’ Wow, there’s a switch, Romney giving too much information.”
