Dear Walt Disney World:
As a Floridian who has spent many a day traipsing through your theme parks, I thought I was an expert on all things Disney.
But last week I learned that 90 percent of the $2.5 million in political contributions Disney has spent this election cycle in Florida is going to Republicans and Republican causes, according to the Orlando Sentinel.
I had no idea your theme parks were so aligned with Republican philosophies. I think it would be great if you made that more clear to your visitors.
So here are 10 suggested changes to your theme parks that would align them more with your political views.
1. Put a big fence around your Mexico attraction in Epcot.
The way your version of Mexico is now, people wander in and out. Visitors need to understand that border security with Mexico is important, even if it is only a fake Mexico.
2. Crack down on Fast Pass fraud.
Institute a photo ID requirement, and while youre at it, tighten the period for early riding.
3. Its an even smaller world after all.
The Its a Small World ride is a one-world government socialist panacea, full of non-American dolls singing in non-American languages. All with a boat ride that raises Homeland Security concerns.
This whole ride comes dangerously close to embracing the idea of world peace at a time when your party wants to increase defense spending even above what the military wants.
Why have this multicultural boat ride when you can have one that takes visitors around America instead? In each section the dolls would be singing in different accents of English, the only language an American ought to know.
4. Change the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.
Pirates these days come from places like Somalia, and theyre not so jolly. The ride is great, though, so theres no reason to scrap it. Just swap out all those animatronic pirates with animatronic private equity managers who can sing about the loot theyve stashed in the Caribbean.
5. Come up with seven dwarfettes.
All those whistling male dwarfs living together in close quarters seems to condone an alternative lifestyle that doesnt square with the religious right.
6. Aladdin must go.
The Magic Carpets of Aladdin kiddie ride is a dangerous substitute for the Dumbo the Flying Elephant ride. By introducing children to Aladdin, youre paving the way for the spread of Sharia law in America.
7. A national debt clock at the Tower of Terror.
To get people screaming before they get on the ride.
8. Slow down the spinning tea cups.
Youre leaving guests with the subliminal suggestion that getting aboard the tea party ride would leave them dizzy and disoriented.
9. Obama in the Hall of Presidents?
Youre offending the large plurality of Republicans who imagine that hes not even an American citizen. The Republican doubters were estimated at 47 percent, according to the results of a CBS News/New York Times poll done last year.
10. Expand the use of firearms in the park.
Issue concealed carry permits for visitors to carry their Frontierland Shootin Arcade weapons throughout the entire park. Visitors ought to know they have a right to stand their ground and defend themselves against line intruders.
This would be known as the Cinderellas Castle Doctrine.