Are you a visionary who knows how to lead a university to ever greater heights while laying off gobs of dedicated employees and fending off ever-spreading scandals?
If so, you may be the one were searching for to lead our subsidiary operation, the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.
Were the UNC Athletic Department and were looking to hire that special someone to run the scholarly end of our operation. We take pride in what we like to call the esteemed auxiliary unit, which apparently teaches people stuff in big old buildings near our fabled state-of-the-art athletic arenas.
Youll enjoy choice seats at our inspiring venues and be seen cheering on national broadcasts as we present the finest in NCAA athletic competition to adoring fans.
In exchange, you simply need to keep the lid on the classroom operations, which youll be glad to know we acknowledge as a fundamental necessity in our respected heritage institution marketing campaign.
Imagine how your spirits will soar when, after being told the legislature is whacking $100 million from your budget, you realize that in only a few short hours youll be surrounded by frenzied friends and family in front-row, mid-court seats, cheering wildly as the Tar Heels tipoff against Duke.
And thats only the beginning of our benefits package.
Our outgoing chancellor enjoyed our surprise party program in which random administrators would visit with engaging monologues like, Remember the cute couple on that plane that we borrowed from the med school to go out fundraising? Turns out theyre an item, and a newspaper reporter is holding on line 3.
At your present institution, do you have a class in Swahili? No problem. It turns out we didnt either!
And this is dandy because it means that athletes who enrolled in and then passed the nonexistent class had more time to focus on their weight training and other important collegiate improvements.
Our athletic department, packed with coaches making more money than you ever will, has attracted national attention for its innovative tutoring methods. Even the NCAA will agree we stand alone in the standards we apply to developing our athletes minds.
A successful candidate for this position will be one who understands that academic fraud is merely a synonym for petty jealousy. And one who knows that the disappointment of alumni over a minor setback to the auxiliarys national reputation will vanish if we win the ACC crown.
So get your resume in. Were the UNC Athletic Department and, as we said, were looking for a visionary. A couple seniors on the starting line agree theyre pretty sure that means someone who knows how to look the other way.
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