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Laugh Attacks

JIMMY FALLON

“Apparently after last week’s debate, polls show Obama trailing Romney by one point. One point — or as it’s also known, ‘the thing Obama failed to make during last week’s debate.’ ”


“Last night, a woman on QVC fainted on the air, but her co-host kept talking as if nothing had happened. One person was unconscious while the other one just kept talking — kind of like last week’s presidential debate.”


“In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said that she would choose Will Smith or Denzel Washington to play her husband in a movie. Or as Democrats put that, ‘Any way they can play him in a debate?’ ”

“A new survey found that atheists are the fastest-growing religious group in the U.S. And if you find that hard to believe — well, you’re probably one of them.”


BILL MAHER

“New job numbers came out today. Unemployment went way down from 8 percent to 7.8 percent. Of course, a lot of this was because of the ever-expanding industry of Mitt Romney fact checkers.”


“Now we know what Romney looks like when he is all charged up. And now we know what Michael Jackson looks like on diprivan.”

“At one point Obama looked so dead, Romney tried to baptize him.”


“In one single night, (Romney) was reborn as this taxing-the-rich, regulation-loving centrist. When these people say they’re going to reboot a campaign, they don’t just reboot. They erase the hard drive, take it out, and smash it with a hammer.”


JAY LENO

“The good news for the White House is that unemployment has dropped to 7.8 percent, right where it was when President Obama took office. So Obama has gone from ‘Change you can believe in’ to ‘Can you believe there’s no change.’ ”

“Today the Secret Service caught a woman trying to sneak into the White House with a mysterious package. Turns out it was just Ann Romney with some carpet samples.”


“Mitt Romney is refusing to participate in the long-running special on Nickelodeon called ‘Kids Pick the President.’ He just says that these kids are part of that 47 percent who contribute nothing to the country and mooch off their parents and grandparents.”


“Can you believe it’s only another month until we start arguing about whether the election was stolen or not?”

“Democrats are accusing Mitt Romney of cheating during the debate. I don’t know who he cheated off of, but I think we can rule out President Obama.”


DAVID LETTERMAN

“It’s Nobel Prize season. Earlier today a medical team received the Nobel Prize for reviving the Mitt Romney campaign.”


“My favorite part of a debate is when a candidate will tell a heartfelt anecdote about a struggling American who lives in a swing state."


“It (was) strange watching a debate without the president, although he wasn’t there for the last one either.”

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The Charlotte Observer welcomes your comments on news of the day. The more voices engaged in conversation, the better for us all, but do keep it civil. Please refrain from profanity, obscenity, spam, name-calling or attacking others for their views.

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