I grab her hand – “You Don’t Know Jacques!”

She nods.

Nailed it. It’s only one of two OPI nail polish colors I can identify and name on the spot. But if you can remember even one of those crazy names, you’re doing pretty well.

And how fun to walk into the nail salon and hear them say, “pick a color,” knowing you’re going to be giggling for the next five minutes while you try to assess your mood, intention and sense of humor.

Lucerne-tainly Look Marvelous. My Boyfriend Scales Walls. A Good Man-darin Is Hard to Find. Cosmo-Not Tonight Honey!

You gotta hand it OPI – upper and lower case letters, with punctuation, printed on a half-inch label. Bring your readers.

The destination colors are fun – It’s Totally Fort Worth It (pale blue). Not So Bora-Bora-ing Pink, You’re A Pisa Work and Tickle My France-y are all pretty (funny) pinks. But I’ll never remember the name of the color.

Which was why I was sticking to reds. Cha-Ching Cherry, Danke-Shiny Red and Quarter of a Cent-Cherry made perfect sense. But then came along Got the Blues for Red, and I got confused again.

Sometimes I just want to know what I’m getting. So I’m grateful for Do You Lilac It? Because it’s actually lilac. But so is Significant Other Color and The Color To Watch. How do you lilac that?

Ironically, sometimes the names are actually too close to the color, which for some reason makes it more confusing. Like Java Mauve-A. You go in there asking for that mocha cocoa color, and they look at you like Berlin There Done That!

Usually, if I can’t pick a color, I can pick a name. Deep purples are tough. But when your choices are between Lincoln Park After Dark and Mrs. O’Leary’s BBQ – well – it’s a no-brainer.

It’s not all fun and games. Some are downright depressing. You run into a girl wearing Die Another Day at the luncheon, The World is Not Enough at church, and Save Me at a dinner party, and you’re gonna be really worried about her.

Two that I won’t wear? Did You ’ear About Van Gogh? – because it’s beige, the color of an ear – and Uh-oh Roll Down the Window. Nuff said.

But then there are those you’re just dying for someone to ask you about. It’s the most delightful moment, the reason you picked the color, just to be able to say it out loud. When someone grabs your hand and gasps, “What color is that?”

And you grin … “Wooden Shoe Like to Know?”