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JAY LENO
“Congratulations to President Obama on being re-elected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare.”
“Some more good news — the president announced today he is not going to raise taxes on the entire 1 percent, just Donald Trump.”
“Trump is not giving up. When it was announced that President Obama easily won the Electoral College, Trump demanded to see Obama’s Electoral College records.”
“Exit polls show that President Obama did well with women, beating Romney by 11 binders.”
CONAN O’BRIEN
“After 18 months, the election is over. You know what made a big difference last night? The Hispanic vote. The president got 70 percent of the Hispanic vote in Colorado and Nevada. And in New Hampshire, Obama got the support of both Latino guys.”
“Mitt Romney did well with certain voters. It was close. He had the support of men, people over 45, and married women. In other words, Mitt Romney had the support of Mitt and Ann Romney.”
“Maine and Maryland approved gay marriage. And today Delaware confessed to being bi-curious.”
DAVID LETTERMAN
“Well, it’s over, and as usual, the guy from Kenya won.”
“Obama won last night, and for the Democrats that’s great, although we’ll just have to wait and see what happens in tonight’s debate.”
JIMMY FALLON
“Today everyone was busy looking at all the different numbers, trying to figure out who voted for which candidate. President Obama beat Mitt Romney by 38 points among single women. They say it’s because of Obama’s final campaign slogan, ‘Hope and Pinot Grigio.’ ”
“There’s talk that ABC news anchor Diane Sawyer seemed drunk on the air last night. Sawyer was like, ‘Breaking news — we are now calling . . . my ex-boyfriend Nick to see what HE’S up to these days.’ ”
“Colorado became the first state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. They just renamed their NBA team the Denver McNuggets.”
“This week the U.S. unveiled a larger, more convenient checkpoint at the border with Mexico. And then Mexicans unveiled a larger, more convenient tunnel around it.”
“A 108-year-old woman in South Carolina just voted for the first time. She voted for Eisenhower — but still, good for her.”
JIMMY KIMMEL
“The presidential election is that special time every four years when Americans gather around their TVs to be reminded where the states are on a map.”
