Cold Feet?

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Several nights ago, I asked my fiancé how he felt about getting married. “Excited!” was his immediate response, and I felt guilty and ashamed to tell him how I felt: scared.

In the ensuing conversation, I tried to explain to him in classic terms, “It’s not you, it’s me.” I still lost him along the way with my logic.

When I think about who I want to spend the rest of my life with, it’s not the “who” part that throws me off. When I think about “who” I want to marry, a little thought bubble pops out of my head with “NEIL LOVE” written in capital letters and covered in glitter and sequins. My love for Love is loud and proud, and I am so fortunate to have him.

However, when I get to the second half of the thought, the “spend the rest of my life with” part, things get a little murkier.

In my life, I have never made a commitment beyond about four years. I have not yet owned a car that long that required payments or maintenance, I haven’t owned my own house and signed on the dotted line for a thirty-year mortgage, I haven’t done anything that has really required any effort for a significant period of time. I’m only in my third month of working, and I occasionally find myself asking, “Is this really what I have chosen as my career?”

Marriage is going to be a lot of work, and signing up for an indeterminate period of time is terrifying for me, as I am sure it is for just about every person out there who sits down and looks at the situation objectively. Aside from having children, marriage is really the only commitment that you make “until death.” That life-long commitment is compounded by the fact that you’re making that obligation to another person, who comes complete with baggage, insecurities, and faults of their own. How can two wrongs make a right?!

Am I excited to get married? I am thrilled. I have an amazing guy that makes me feel incredible about myself. He is my best friend, and I love being with him. I can’t wait to get married to him and attempt to spend the rest of my life with him, but the thought of actually going through with it, ten… twenty… thirty years down the line, is scary.

In the end, all that marriage really comes down to is faith. Like believing in a higher power, committing to a marriage requires a belief in something unseen, yet real and powerful.

I have heard from so many people that having a child is the scariest thing they have ever done in their lives, but not one has ever told me that it isn’t worth it. While they may not have been completely ready for everything that parenthood entails, they undertook the task with the faith that they could be a great parent and in doing so, actually became one.

I might be scared about getting married now, but I’m ready for it. It’s a realistic fear that spouses-to-be all have to cope with, like taking on a new job, a mortgage, or parenthood. But realizing why you are afraid is half of the battle to becoming who you want to be in your relationship. Without great risks, there can’t be great rewards. I’m ready to jump in head first, cold feet and all.

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