After three years of presentations to teenagers, I’ve made a transient peace with one basic fact: I will not get through to every one of them. The message I endeavor to deliver will invariably be ignored or misinterpreted as their attention drifts during the thirty-some odd minutes I’m talking… On any given day, student feedback may be so disjointed that I’m left wondering what I said or if I spoke to the wrong classroom… Sometimes it’s clear they did listen, but they honed in on something other than the main point I was trying to convey…
It’s extremely hard to make a young person understand how one simple decision can change your life in unexpected ways…permanently…
Several weeks ago, a student wrote the following message:
“You guys picked up the last sheet before I could finish. Honestly, I know it's hard but stop mourning. You said that you stopped celebrating your husband's birthday because of the wreck, but why? Do you think that's what Brian wants? It's not like he's completely dead, his spirit is still around. So why say it changes everything? It only changes what you let it change.”
Out of all that I said, the non-celebration of John’s birthday is what stood out to them… This teen was clearly offended by our seeming refusal to carry on as before…
I wish I had the chance to respond to this student face to face, but they chose to remain anonymous so I can't; so, I thought I would explain here why we do what we do (regarding John’s birthday) in hopes it will help others understand the ‘atypical’ behavior of people like us….
We will stop mourning Brian’s passing when we breathe our last breath and join him. I’m sure you think you know how hard it is, but unless you’ve actually been forced to face the unthinkable and bury your child, you cannot possibly understand.
We stopped celebrating John’s birthday because that is John’s preference and we choose to honor his wishes. He cannot get beyond having to plan Brian’s funeral on the day of his own birth, nor can he ever forget the day before was the worst day of his life. While I’m 100% certain Brian would want us to throw a big party, it is not our place to tell John what he should do or how to feel. He should do exactly what he wants…and he does, with our blessing.
And true, Brian is not completely gone; his spirit and memory live on in the hearts and minds of those who love him. But that’s not the same as reaching out and ruffling his hair…hearing his feet pound down the stairs…or wrapping him up in a rib-cracking bear hug… Not by a long shot…
To say it doesn’t change everything ‘unless we let it’ is naïve and frankly, just plain wrong. Nothing is the same as it was, nor will it ever be again. A parent never expects to outlive their child…
For those of us who must, rest assured, we are living out this unwanted life as best we can… Judge us kindly…
Wishing you many blessings and hope…tg
Tammy will update her blog twice weekly…
