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JAY LENO
“ ‘Skyfall,’ the number one movie at the box office this week, made over $100 million. It’s the biggest opening ever for a James Bond film. There’s not a lot of sex in the movie – it’s very downplayed. See, James Bond is just a secret agent. It’s not like he’s head of the CIA..”
“This whole scandal has changed the way the White House does business. Like, you know the Situation Room? It’s now the Compromising Situation Room.”
“People are disappointed. A four-star general, highly decorated, brilliant strategist, director of the CIA – and yet he’s behaving like your common congressman..”
“There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America’s new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death.”
“The economy is so bad, MSNBC had to lay off 300 Obama spokesmen.”
“The economy is so bad, President Obama sent Susan Rice out to defend it.”
“The movie ‘Lincoln’ opened over the weekend. It’s getting unbelievable reviews. It’s so authentic. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln. Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. John McCain plays himself.”
JIMMY FALLON
“This David Petraeus scandal just keeps getting bigger. It turns out that another top general and an FBI agent had inappropriate contact with Jill Kelley, the woman who sparked the investigation. They need to stop this thing or we’re gonna end up with nobody left to run the government.”
“The new ‘Call of Duty: Black Ops’ video game was released today, and it actually features General David Petraeus. So I guess it’s safe to assume the game has plenty of cheat codes.”
“Today a rare 76-carat diamond went up for auction in Switzerland. The jeweler called it ‘a priceless stone’ while David Petraeus’ wife called it ‘a start.’ ”
“It turns out that Democrats are actually considering Mitt Romney’s tax plan as a way to avoid the fiscal cliff. Three weeks ago, Obama was like, ‘Mitt Romney has terrible ideas!’ And now he’s like, ‘Hey, you gonna finish those ideas?’ ”
“President Obama gave his first press conference since being re-elected. And a lot of people are saying it looked like he was trying to cover up some of his gray hair. So I guess Obama’s major goals include jobs for women and Just For Men.”
“Facebook and the Department of Labor have teamed up for a new app that displays job openings. It’ll be weird when people find a job because of Facebook, then get fired from that job for using Facebook, then use Facebook to find another job.
“People magazine announced that Channing Tatum is 2012’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ – while Florida will announce their results sometime next week.”
