Gather around children, and hear me geeze.

In olden days, a group of southern universities created the Atlantic Coast Conference. It allowed them to play other nearby schools and, over the decades, spirited regional rivalries grew up.

During the dark winter months, the schools would play cut-throat basketball. In the gentle autumn, the schools would play so-so football to fill the time until basketball.

Then the conference decided it would be a good idea to play competitive football. It began admitting schools like Miami and Florida State, which people would actually enjoy watching and thus raise ratings. They were still near the Atlantic Coast, so they fit in.

This helped the conference realize that tradition didn’t matter.

Only money mattered.

Then came Notre Dame, a university not technically attached to the Atlantic Coast nor even in its particular time zone, that got the ACC to let them in for basketball, but not for football. Notre Dame already had its own zing-whopity football deal of its own with NBC.

This helped the academic world realize that regionalism didn’t matter.

Only TV mattered.

Then along came the Big 10, shopping for a team in the lucrative Washington-Baltimore television market. It invited Maryland, a gridiron doormat, to join the storied Midwestern conference.

This helped Maryland, a charter member of the ACC in 1953, realize that it would rake in millions more annually in TV money losing to the likes of Ohio State, Penn State and Michigan rather than N.C. State, Clemson and UNC. Maryland, a public university, conducted its decision-making in secret, selling the idea to its Board of Regents in less than a week without offering various stakeholders a voice.

This helped universities realize that alumni didn’t matter.

Only big payouts mattered.

So Maryland skipped over, with Rutgers, to the bloated conference now known as the Big 10ish. It lived happily ever after, getting clobbered on autumn Saturdays by powerhouse teams in the same way the Washington Generals are there to get pounded by the Harlem Globetrotters.

This helped the NCAA realize that athletics didn’t matter.

Only entertainment mattered.

That is why, children, we are here today watching Duke play the University of Brazil in the biggest of all modern collegiate sports: Bikini Foosball.

You are so lucky to live in such a progressive age.