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JAY LENO
“Good news for the economy: President Obama is out of town.”
“President Obama has wrapped up his four-day, three-country trip to Asia. And insiders say the last 96 hours were very productive. The president said he may have found a country in Asia that can make Twinkies for us.”
“President Obama pardoned the White House turkey, and then the turkey forgave him for the bad economy, so it worked nice.”
“TMZ spotted Mitt Romney and Ann Romney seeing the new ‘Twilight’ movie this weekend. Romney refused to go and see "Lincoln" because he felt the only reason Lincoln got reelected was because of the gifts he gave out to minorities.”
“We’re headed for a fiscal cliff and President Obama is in a tough spot. Because the Democrats did so well on Election Day, he’s running out of Republicans he can blame this on.”
“Mitt Romney was photographed at a gas station in San Diego filling up his car, then he was spotted later in the day at Disneyland. See, that’s when you know you’re rich – when you can afford to fill up your car with gas and go to Disneyland on the same day.”
“France is now accusing the U.S. of hacking into the French president’s computer earlier this year. A cyber war would be new territory for the French, because they’ve never surrendered online before.”
“Justin Bieber is apparently back together with Selena Gomez. You know who’s really disappointed to hear that? Elmo.”
BILL MAHER
“Down in Tampa, where we have our Central Command, there was this glorified gypsie grifter named Jill Kelly, who’s part Kardashian, part Palin, and part Snooki, who was hanging around the military bases. The media calls her a Tampa socialite. What is that really? Someone who goes to Applebee’s and orders the filet? So she starts getting these anonymous threatening emails from someone – of course it turned out to be Paula Broadwell – telling her to stay away from my general. Because if there’s one thing a mistress hates, it’s a guy who cheats.”
“This is why I agree with the gays when they say we should not allow heterosexuals in the military.”
“The best part of this is the politics of it. Jill Kelly is a Republican. General Petraeus, that’s the guy Republicans wanted to run for president. Paula Broadwell, they wanted to run her for Senate on the Republican side. This whole scandal happened because Jill Kelly was flirting with a super-partisan right-winger FBI agent, who took the emails to his Republican congressman, who took them to House Majority Leader Republican Eric Cantor. You know who I blame? Obama.”
JIMMY FALLON
“Joe Biden made his birthday wish today. Right after blowing out the candles he asked everyone, ‘Am I invisible yet?’ ”
“NASA says the Mars rover has made a major discovery. Scientists hope it found signs of life there. Americans are just hoping it found some Twinkies.”
