Attendants make the cut

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"Why can't you be happy for me, and then go home and talk about me behind my back like a normal person?"

The movie "Bridesmaids" where the above quote originated may resonate all too well with any bride who has been through the choosing bridesmaids or selecting a Maid of Honor (if you haven’t seen it—do, with your best girl-friends if possible). There is never a shortage of drama when it comes to choosing who you will have as attendants. Though this seems like an easy and quick decision, I will warn you, it’s not! One of the most important decisions you make about your big day is who you will surround yourself with and depend on, and MANY feelings could potentially get hurt in the process. You’re treading on eggshells when selecting one friend over another and it’s a decision that requires real thought and discussion.

Erik and I struggled with this decision at first. I have three friends who instantly came to mind when selecting a wedding party, and two sisters. I declared five as my maximum number of bridesmaids right off the bat. Erik, on the other hand, had six in mind. He simply couldn’t narrow it down, and I thought six was just too many. A trick to keep in your bridal toolbox: agree not to ask anyone until you have a final decision. We put off the decision for a month and decided on five. Then we started asking people. As we asked, Erik realized how much it would hurt the feelings of a friend to leave that person out, and how much he wanted all six people to be there with him. I needed to compromise here—and we decided on six attendants each. In waiting to ask one friend, we did have hurt feelings, and we ended up backtracking and having to explain how important that person was to us. A big flub on our part--- but we’re thankful that our friends are forgiving.

I have a friend in the midst of the wedding season in her life. She has multiple friends getting married next year, and has happily celebrated with each one. Directly after the engagement party of one friend, her friend began discussing wedding plans with her. A month later, this friend finds out not only is she not in the wedding of this close-friend, but that this person will have 13 bridesmaids from college and high school . My friend was crushed. Not only had she been there for the engagement and planning, but her husband and many ‘lesser’ friends were all in the bridal party. When selecting attendants, think about the people that truly are there are support you. What made my decision was choosing those who I believed I would still be friends with in 20 years and happily remember being with on my big day.

Don’t forget that flower girls, ring-bearers, and ushers have a level of expectation as well! Parents can be quite excited or disappointed about their child’s participation in a wedding. We took the easy route on this and simply won’t have a ring-bearer or flower girl. We also chose not to select a best man or maid-of- honor. Neither of us could place value on one friend as being more significant than any other. We were concerned about how the planning responsibilities would fall among our friends, but it seems it has all worked itself out. Evenly dividing responsibilities among friends and family will hopefully prove easier for all involved!

When choosing your bridal party, keep in mind those you value most. In my personal opinion, it is better to include more people than to step on toes, so consider who may really want to stand beside you on your wedding day. Not everyone wants to fork out all the money that comes along with being in a wedding, so consider those who will be happy to participate.

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