So I’m moving.
And there a hundred reasons not to move during Christmas, but here are my top 10:
1. You have to decorate both houses – the one you’re in and the one you’re going to, because the kids still want Christmas whether you’re having a nervous breakdown or not. So where normally you would take it all out, put it up, then take it down and put it away, you now have to take it all out, put it up, then take it down and pack it up, drive it across town, then take it all out, put it back up, and then take it down and put it away. Awesome.
2. ABC Family’s “25 Days of Christmas” starts Dec.1 so you can’t cancel cable til you’re out. Otherwise you’ll miss some days. And don’t be thinking it gets better as it goes along, “Elf” is day one and “The Grinch” is day two. The cable box stays.
3. You can’t get a real tree. You have to get a tree that won’t drip, shed or die when you move it. You gotta get a fake, pre-lighted tree. So when it’s time to move, you just unplug it and then call a friend who has a truck. And then remember that none of your friends has a truck because this isn’t college.
4. Once you put the box of Christmas ornaments down in the living room, it’s just another box. So when you go looking for the angel for the tree, you may have to open four boxes of china before you find it.
5. The Elf on the Shelf gets confused. He doesn’t know where to be – and when.
6. Panic sets in that if the Elf hasn’t made it from our old house, how is Santa going to find us at our new house? You have to change your address with the North Pole, make a sign and leave a trail of deer food from the old house to the new.
7. You can’t decide whether to shop or pack. So you just munch potato chips and watch “It’s A Wonderful Life.”
8. Your friends don’t bring you little gifts, because they “don’t want to add to your packing.” Which is code for: “We don’t want to help you pack.”
9. You have to come up with a fake label for the box with all the Christmas presents in it – something that will make the kids not ever want to open it. I’m going with “Cleaning Supplies.” Or maybe “Books.”
10. You give all your girlfriends Christmas ham. But not the Hickory Farms ham, the lunchmeat. Because you have to empty out the refrigerator.
So take heed. And don’t take a Christmas card picture. You don’t want any kind of reminder that this all really happened.