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CONAN O’BRIEN
“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie visited the White House. President Obama told him, ‘I’d invite you to lunch but the deficit is already too high.’ ”
“The governor of Arizona punched a reporter who asked her about global warming. Afterwards she apologized. She said, ‘Sorry, I’m a little touchy because it’s almost Christmas and it’s 135 degrees outside.’ ”
“According to a new poll, most Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat — which is really odd because when I think of a fat, old white man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican.”
“For the first time ever, ‘Sesame Street’ is going to be tackling the topic of divorce. They want to make it clear that it’s never the child’s fault. And Ernie and Bert will remain friends.”
“This year over 1,500 soldiers were kicked out of the armed forces for being overweight. And half of our fighter pilots are being charged for two seats.”
“According to a global study, American kids are way behind Asian kids in math and science. But American kids are ahead in buying stuff made by Asian kids.”
CRAIG FERGUSON
“The Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to the European Union. The peace prize is awarded in Oslo. When someone told me, I said, ‘Norway?’ He said, ‘Yes, way.’ ”
“The EU was founded in 1993 to ensure that no European nation ever start another war. By European nation, they mean Germany.”
“Who accepts the Nobel Prize if it goes to a group? It has to be someone not associated with any one country. Someone beloved by all of Europe for no reason at all. David Hasselhoff will go and collect the prize.”
DAVID LETTERMAN
“New York City, especially during the holidays, is the only place I know where the shoplifters complain about the pickpockets.”
“Mitt Romney got a job. He’s working at a Marriott. He is the guy that comes out to the pool and tells the kids to stop splashing.”
“President Obama’s trying to stop us from going over the fiscal cliff. Mitt Romney is trying to stop people from stealing towels.”
JAY LENO
“A close friend of mine said his doctor gave him less than two weeks to live. But it turns out his doctor’s a Mayan. He says that to everybody.”
“According to a new study at UCLA, Latinos live longer than non-Latinos. More bad news for Republicans.”
“Al-Qaida’s number two man has been killed by an American drone in Pakistan. In a related story, today al-Qaida’s number three man announced he’s stepping down to spend more time with his family.”
“Honey Boo Boo is among Barbara Walters’ ‘10 Most Fascinating People of 2012.’ In a related story, today Barbara was named one of the ‘10 most easily fascinated people of 2012.’ ”
