“Barbara Walters chose General David Petraeus as the most fascinating person of 2012. What a coincidence. So did Paula Broadwell.”

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“In what’s being called a stunning literary find, a Danish historian has discovered the last remaining, unpublished fairy tale from Hans Christian Andersen. It’s called ‘Congress Solves the Fiscal Cliff.’ ”

 

“Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said a failure to reach a deal for the fiscal cliff will hurt the recovery. The good news is most Americans will not be affected by this because they had no idea there WAS a recovery.”

“The Golden Globe nominations were announced, and ‘Lincoln’ got seven nominations. Finally, a Republican who might win something.”

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“The U.S. Census Bureau says that by the year 2043, white people will be in the minority in the United States. By that time, the country will be 15 percent black, 31 percent Hispanic, and 1 percent Republican.”

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JIMMY FALLON

“Japan and South Korea are on high alert after North Korea successfully launched a long-range rocket. Both countries are surprised by North Korea’s successful launch, but definitely not as surprised as North Korea.”

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“Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago.”

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“It’s rumored that John Boehner and President Obama are considering a partial deal to avoid the fiscal cliff at the end of the year. Yeah, it’s RUMORED that a PARTIAL deal is being CONSIDERED — or to put that in layman’s terms: We’re going off this cliff.”

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“The new movie ‘The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey’ came out today. It is almost three hours long. This marks the first time people are saying, ‘I’m going to save myself some time and just read the book.’ ”

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DAVID LETTERMAN

“It’s award season. They start off with the Nobel Prize awards. Then they go to the Golden Globes.”

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“Christmas is just around the corner. . . Today Santa released 10 years of tax returns.”

 

CRAIG FERGUSON

“ ‘The Hobbit’ opens today. It’s going to make a ton of money this weekend. It will make more money than Mitt Romney spent losing the election.”

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“Gollum’s back as well. He’s my favorite character. According to ‘The Lord of the Rings,’ Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, vitality, and energy. That’s why some men view him as a symbol of marriage.”

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“The DEA says drug smugglers in Mexico are using cannons to shoot marijuana over into the U.S. They have three distances — far, really far, and Willie Nelson’s house.”