JIMMY FALLON

“There’s a photo going around with President Obama playing with a staffer’s son who’s dressed as Spider-Man. Obama was like, ‘Shouldn’t you be fighting the Green Goblin?’ And the kid was like, ‘Shouldn’t you be working on the fiscal cliff?’ ”

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“The kid was really excited to meet the president; Joe Biden was real excited to meet Spider-Man.”

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“The world did not end after all! So the good news is, we’re still here. The bad news, I got A LOT of Christmas shopping to do.”

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“Ireland is coming out with its own version of the show ‘Cheers.’ Yeah, a sitcom about people who sit around drinking at a bar all day — or as they call that in Ireland, ‘Reality TV.’ ”

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“President Obama and John Boehner talked about the fiscal cliff for 45 minutes, but the White House will not release a transcript of their conversation. However, they did offer to have Joe Biden re-enact it with puppets.”

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“Wait, we’re facing one of the biggest threats to our economy and they only met for 45 minutes? That’s not even the opening credits of ‘The Hobbit’!”

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“Last week a group of chefs baked the world’s largest pizza, which is gluten-free and contains 9,000 pounds of cheese. Or as Americans put it, ‘You had me at ‘world’s largest pizza’ — you LOST me at ‘gluten-free’ — then you won me back with 9,000 pounds of cheese.’ ”

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DAVID LETTERMAN

“Well, we got a lot to worry about. In five days, fiscal cliff. I woke up this morning thinking, Wait a minute. Five days until the fiscal cliff? Where is Superman?”

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“But you shouldn’t be worried. You should have faith in our representatives in Congress and the Senate.”

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“Here’s what happened in Washington today. The Republicans and the Democrats got together. They rolled up their sleeves and then they took a break.”

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“The world’s oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.”

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“It’s been a tough decade for Lindsay Lohan. She’s either in prison or she’s in rehab. She’s been in rehab so many times that the rehab cafeteria has a sandwich named after her.”

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JAY LENO

“It looks like President Obama is going to pick John Kerry to be our next secretary of state. This is a very strategic move when it comes to foreign policy. Obama plans to use Kerry to bore our enemies to death.”

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“Sources told ABC News today that Defense Department official Michael Vickers gave sensitive inside information about the capture of Osama bin Laden to the producers of the movie ‘Zero Dark Thirty.’ It’s also being reported that John McCain gave firsthand inside information to the film ‘Lincoln.’ ”