After enduring our fifth Christmas without Brian, I finally made the connection…
I realized that part of my underlying holiday dread has been present for nearly half my life... We’ve all experienced it at one time or another, that uncomfortable combination of failure and guilt that comes on the heels of not meeting the expectations of others, specifically after disappointing parents and grandparents…
Upon arriving in Boone last Friday for lunch with my in-laws, I was asked how I liked the weather… “You know I can’t stand this cold, wet white stuff! That’s why I only come up here twice a year!” My mother-in-law quickly came back with, “The road is open in this direction in July too.”
Saturday, we drove to Columbia to visit my family for Christmas; in the course of casual conversation, Mom indirectly reminded me several times of how long it had been since we were last down there…
Fast-forward to Christmas morning… John called his parents to wish them a Merry day, and his dad responds by telling him how great it would be for us to drive up and spend Christmas day with all of them, maybe next year?
Later that afternoon, I learned my nephew didn’t make it to see my parents before flying to Colorado with his father. Mom was upset at first, but by the time I asked her about it, she said “Well, I never get to see Beth or Grace on Christmas day, so I thought, ‘Why is this a big deal?’ I just told myself to get over it. So I did.”
Of course, my grandmother, rest her soul, was the grand master of making me feel bad for not coming to see her on every occasion…
Nearly two decades after spending Christmas Eve in Columbia, then driving to Boone (from there) on Christmas day and then returning home to Charlotte that same evening, the car crammed with gifts and grumpy kids, John and I made a pact: we wouldn’t travel on either day ever again.
Reality: my sole remaining grandparent is in his upper 80’s; John’s parents are in their mid- 70’s; my parents are in their early 60’s…
I know the underlying motivation behind their verbal nudging is pure… They miss us and wish we spent more time with them, especially during the holidays.
It’s ironic… Parents devote the better part of their lives to raising their children, equipping them to be independent and sending them out into the world, seemingly never to return, and then spend the rest of their lives trying to get those kids to come back home to visit…
Since the girls still live at home, we’ve not experienced that kind of longing…yet. But I can imagine…I’m sure it’s on the horizon of the not-so-distant future…
Knowing that I would say, do or give anything to have Brian back home, I’ve finally realized the yearning of their hearts is not so very different than mine…except theirs is achievable, whereas mine is not.
“Your only treasures are those which you carry in your heart.” –Demophilus
Wishing you many blessings and hope…tg
Tammy will update her blog twice weekly…
