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CONAN O’BRIEN
“A political opponent is accusing Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy. In response, Christie said the only weather-related thing he’s ever prayed for is a Dairy Queen Blizzard.”
“According to a new poll, Congress is now less popular than head lice, Nickelback, and Donald Trump. In a related story, head lice is insulted that it’s being lumped in with Donald Trump and Nickelback.”
“Secretary of State Hillary Clinton returned to work and as a joke, her staff gave her a helmet. This is the second time a Clinton in government has been asked to wear protection.”
“Tickets to President Obama’s inauguration have sold out. At least that’s what the president is telling Joe Biden.”
“After 113 days, the National Hockey League has settled its contract dispute. So finally Americans can get back to not watching hockey.”
DAVID LETTERMAN
“What happened to the fiscal cliff? Are we on it or off it? Forget it. The debt ceiling is the brand new crisis. The fiscal cliff was just the warm-up, just for beginners, like a student film.”
“We’re $20 trillion in debt so somebody at the Treasury Department says that what we’ll do is print a coin for a trillion dollars. I’ve seen a prototype. It has a beautiful profile of Regis Philbin.”
“The hockey lockout is over. We had no hockey in October. I knew the NHL lockout would be settled once it was purchased by al-Jazeera.”
“Chuck Hagel is the new secretary of defense nominee. They are saying that he may be reluctant to send troops into a war zone needlessly. What kind of a nut job is this guy?”
JAY LENO
“Today Democrats said they want another trillion dollars in taxes. Didn’t we just give them $620 billion last Wednesday? Is that gone already? Who is running this, ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’?”
“Congress approved some version of the fiscal tax bill, which raises taxes on rich Americans. President Obama was determined to do this right away – while there are still some rich Americans left.”
“Americans from all sides of the political spectrum seem to be upset about this fiscal cliff deal. Imagine how the Chinese must feel. It’s their money.”
“Well, taxes are going up, and now, they’re looking to make cuts just about everywhere. In fact, oil companies today had to lay off 15 senators.”
“Lance Armstrong now says he may admit that he used performance enhancing drugs. I guess he realized he’s the only person in the world who still wasn’t sure about it.”
“Scientists in China say obesity may be caused by bacteria in your stomach. Three of the most common carriers of the bacteria are pizza, cheeseburgers and doughnuts.”
