I beseech all you rich Lake Normanites to quit listening at once to this cabal of kooks who are opposing our wizardly plans to slap tolls on Interstate 77.
Just this week in Cornelius, the grass-roots amateurs at Widen I-77 attracted about 100 unsuspecting civilians to a public meeting. There, they spread vicious truthhoods about our profound scheme to make your thruway a world-class example of sovereign fleecery for generations to come.
If you haven’t been paying attention – and really, really, really there’s no reason you should – you’re probably not aware of our dead-bang plot to bestow upon your lovely lakeside region the latest in transportation grandeur.
No longer will you have to simmer in sluggish traffic morning and night. We intend to install sleek zoom lanes from the metro to your shimmering suburban digs.
Our plan is air-tight keen. You know those car-pool lanes that no one uses? We’re going to take over those and add some more for your convenience.
All you have to do is pay to use them at a price we consider downright measly in comparison to the Greek debt. We haven’t figured out the fare yet, but that’s just a niggling detail for later.
We only ask that you buy a gizmo that magically picks your pocket each time you enjoy the convenience of luxury lanes. For riff-raff drivers who venture into the zip zone without transponders, we’ll install friendly optics to get their license numbers and drum them appropriately.
You need to know that this Widen I-77 group is led by a Normanite named Kurt Naas. He has absolutely no experience in solving traffic woes through supernatural methods.
He merely operates a successful manufacturing company, has a degree in aerospace engineering and then an MBA, which he got from one of those smarty-pants northern universities, if you catch my drift.
He stirs up the rabble by operating a Web site called widenI77.org, which you should not view under any circumstances. In the name of villainy, he raises questions about our clever solution by mining our own data and footnoting it rigorously. This is not the way we do things around here.
Naas raises objections like:
• Once we build the bustleway, what incentive does the state have for ever building free lanes?
• If the state did, wouldn’t they have to pay us a bundle of money because of lost business?
• Since our tolls will be calibrated to match the level of frustration, isn’t it in our best interest to ensure the road stays jammed?
• If you’re thinking about locating a business somewhere, isn’t it a big, freaking red flag that it’s located in a region reached by ransom?
• Why does it cost tens of millions more for electronically marvelous toll lanes than a regular old roadway?
See, the guy just doesn’t get it. He can’t see the simplicity. He’s trying to make it into something complicated, like fixing the I-77 light poles.
This summer, the state is planning to pick the contractor. It’s probably too late to do anything to stop us anyway.
You’ll be so happy with your new toll lanes. Trust us. Embrace our slogan: “The Fix Is In.”
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