Four letter word

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I love it, but I hate it. I need it, but I want it to go away. I control it. No, it controls me. It’s just a little four letter word. It has no significance, but oh, it’s extremely powerful. That four letter word, it’s there for me when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I’m celebrating, when I’m lonely, when I’m excited, when I’m bored. It is always there. It doesn’t ask questions. It doesn’t tell me no. It doesn’t criticize or judge. It is never short on time or too busy to stay a little while. That four letter word, I’ve know it since I was a child. It didn’t leave or find a new friend. It was never too far away. It stuck by my side every step of the way, determined to not let me go.

Food, there, I said it. The four letter word is f-o-o-d. Maybe you know it the way I do or maybe you don’t. We have a relationship that has spanned years. It was trying hard to be my friend way before I knew what kind of friend it was. I had no reason to suspect that the relationship we were developing was anything but good. I mean it was there daily. Constantly around, so it couldn’t be bad, right? Everyone around me seemed to know and love it the way I did. Should I have been warned? Why didn’t anyone tell me how deceiving it could be?

That four letter word, it is an emotional filler. It sneaks in to our lives quietly. Often times going completely unnoticed without even a whisper or the faintest sign of its presence. Not everyone experiences it the same. For me, it was there for the good and the bad, a confidant of sorts. It was enjoyable whenever it was around. There to continually provide fulfillment during my low moments, and exultation during my times of joy.

I couldn’t say no to it, to food. It never said no to me, and all it wanted to do was help. It was too good and too accessible to limit or turn down. This is the relationship I have had with it, and the only one that I had known for so long. Is this not right? Is this not how it is supposed to be?

No, it is not right. That is not how it is supposed to be. I know this now, but that doesn’t fix it. It doesn’t remove the damage that it has already been done. That four letter word, it’s a faithful friend and it doesn’t give up easily. But wait, no, it’s not a friend. It only pretended to be one. Still, it is persistent.

I can just leave it. Cut all ties and not look back. Then I remember I can’t do that. It has to remain in my life. After all, my survival does depend on it to some extent. How can this be? How can I sever an unhealthy relationship with something that I need? Here comes the dreadful news, the answer to the question. I can’t, I can’t just leave, I can’t just run and not look back. There is no hiding from it.

It’s there. It will forever be there.

So what if I can’t just leave it behind. There has to be another way. I can change the relationship we have. I can make it better.

It hasn’t been easy, but I am working on it. There is frustration, disappointment, and heartache. I am setting boundaries. That little four letter word, it tries to cross the lines, but I refuse to continue in an unbalanced and unstable relationship. It creeps back up when I’m vulnerable. Speaking loudly after a mentally draining day, when I am fatigue and depleted.

I haven’t conquered it yet. Our connection is still rocky, and sometimes we are not on the best of terms. It’s turning around though; I am mending the fence and healing the broken pieces. Things are different now.

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