Four letter word
Posted: Tuesday, Jan. 22, 2013
Photo by: Nathan Abplanalp Photography
Amanda Wilson is a student who has a passion for helping others and is now committed to helping herself. She enjoys spending time with her pup, Gia, being with family and friends and traveling. Contact Amanda here.
I love it, but I hate it. I need it, but I want it to go away. I control it. No, it controls me. Its just a little four letter word. It has no significance, but oh, its extremely powerful. That four letter word, its there for me when Im happy, when Im sad, when Im celebrating, when Im lonely, when Im excited, when Im bored. It is always there. It doesnt ask questions. It doesnt tell me no. It doesnt criticize or judge. It is never short on time or too busy to stay a little while. That four letter word, Ive know it since I was a child. It didnt leave or find a new friend. It was never too far away. It stuck by my side every step of the way, determined to not let me go.Food, there, I said it. The four letter word is f-o-o-d. Maybe you know it the way I do or maybe you dont. We have a relationship that has spanned years. It was trying hard to be my friend way before I knew what kind of friend it was. I had no reason to suspect that the relationship we were developing was anything but good. I mean it was there daily. Constantly around, so it couldnt be bad, right? Everyone around me seemed to know and love it the way I did. Should I have been warned? Why didnt anyone tell me how deceiving it could be?That four letter word, it is an emotional filler. It sneaks in to our lives quietly. Often times going completely unnoticed without even a whisper or the faintest sign of its presence. Not everyone experiences it the same. For me, it was there for the good and the bad, a confidant of sorts. It was enjoyable whenever it was around. There to continually provide fulfillment during my low moments, and exultation during my times of joy.I couldnt say no to it, to food. It never said no to me, and all it wanted to do was help. It was too good and too accessible to limit or turn down. This is the relationship I have had with it, and the only one that I had known for so long. Is this not right? Is this not how it is supposed to be?No, it is not right. That is not how it is supposed to be. I know this now, but that doesnt fix it. It doesnt remove the damage that it has already been done. That four letter word, its a faithful friend and it doesnt give up easily. But wait, no, its not a friend. It only pretended to be one. Still, it is persistent.I can just leave it. Cut all ties and not look back. Then I remember I cant do that. It has to remain in my life. After all, my survival does depend on it to some extent. How can this be? How can I sever an unhealthy relationship with something that I need? Here comes the dreadful news, the answer to the question. I cant, I cant just leave, I cant just run and not look back. There is no hiding from it.Its there. It will forever be there.So what if I cant just leave it behind. There has to be another way. I can change the relationship we have. I can make it better.It hasnt been easy, but I am working on it. There is frustration, disappointment, and heartache. I am setting boundaries. That little four letter word, it tries to cross the lines, but I refuse to continue in an unbalanced and unstable relationship. It creeps back up when Im vulnerable. Speaking loudly after a mentally draining day, when I am fatigue and depleted.I havent conquered it yet. Our connection is still rocky, and sometimes we are not on the best of terms. Its turning around though; I am mending the fence and healing the broken pieces. Things are different now.
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