STEPHEN COLBERT

“Yes, lip-gate. Beyonce-gate. The crisis in Lip-ya. Beyonc-gazi ... If Beyonce lip-synced at Obama’s inaugural, do you know what that means? If so, please write in because I’d love to know why I’m so angry!”

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“There once was a man name Barack,

Whose re-election came as a shock.

He raised the taxes I pay,

And then turned marriage gay.

And now he’s coming after your Glock.”

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“Where did we go wrong? The Republicans had everything going for them – a terrible economy, an unpopular incumbent, and a positive message for the American voter: ‘Less than half of you are parasites.’ ”

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CONAN O’BRIEN

“Beyonce is remaining silent about charges that she lip-synched the national anthem. However, the charges are being strongly denied by a recording of Beyonce.”

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“At the inaugural ball, President Obama was caught doing some very stiff and awkward dance moves. In other words, Obama is already reaching out to Republicans.”

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed on to a new ‘Terminator’ film. Due to his age, this one features the catchphrase, ‘I’ll be back right after “Wheel of Fortune”.’ ”

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JAY LENO

“On the news they made a big deal out of the fact that four years ago there were twice as many people at President Obama’s first inauguration than there was at this one. That’s because four years ago, twice as many people could afford to stay in hotels.”

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“According to a new study, as much as 81 percent of people lie on online dating websites. To which Notre Dame’s Manti Te’o said, ‘Now you tell me!’ ”

“Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.”

 

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“The CEO of Whole Foods is criticizing Obamacare, once again calling it fascism. He did this before when he called it socialism. And he said the problem with socialism is eventually you run out of other people’s money. As opposed to shopping at Whole Foods, where you eventually run out of your own money.”

JIMMY KIMMEL

“More than a million people gathered in our nation’s capital and tens of millions more watched from home to celebrate the first lady’s new haircut.”

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“Some Republicans are demanding further cuts. But bangs aren’t easy to pull off. As far as I know, the only other women who have done it successfully this decade are Jessica Biel and Justin Bieber.”

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“The president gave a brief but powerful speech. He did not shy away from the many challenges he faces: a massive federal deficit, a conservative majority in the House, an aging population, runaway entitlements, humongous ears.”