JAY LENO

“A man named Peter Robbins, a 56-year-old guy, was the voice of Charlie Brown in the TV specials. He was arrested for stalking. Apparently, Charlie Brown did not have the money to post bail. You know why? He’s working for Peanuts.”

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“In a big meeting of the Republican National Committee, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to ‘stop being the stupid party.’ Then Texas Governor Rick Perry gave the rebuttal.”

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“The Boy Scouts are now considering an end to their longstanding policy of banning gay scouts. How about that? And the girl scouts have a new policy during cookie season. It’s called ‘Don’t ask, just sell.’ ”

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“According to reports from a journal called Psychological Science, people eat more junk food and gain weight during tough economic times. How ironic is that? The biggest obstacle to Michele Obama’s war on obesity is President Obama’s economic policy.”

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BILL MAHER

“Already the Obama administration has been rocked by scandal. Beyonce lip-synching; or at least we think she was lip-synching. Manti Te’o said it sounded very real to him.”

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“Lip-synching – let that be a lesson; if you are in Washington, D.C., and you open your mouth and another voice comes out, it better be the NRA, an oil company or a bank.”

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“The Pentagon lifted the ban this week on women being able to serve. Yes, women can now serve in front line combat positions, proving that women will follow gay men anywhere.”

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CONAN O’BRIEN

“The Pentagon has allowed women to serve in combat. Yeah, the hope is that we can now finally defeat the Taliban by giving them the silent treatment.”

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“This will be the first Super Bowl ever where the head coaches are brothers. Jackie Harbaugh, their mother, said she would like the game to end in a tie. However, just to be safe, she’s got 20 grand on the Ravens.”

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“A Secret Service dog died during a fundraiser where Vice President Joe Biden was giving a speech. The dog is being described as ‘lucky.’ ”

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“This weekend the Pope released a dove from his window only to see it get viciously attacked by a sea gull. So either there is no God or there is a God and he’s hilarious.”

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JIMMY FALLON

“Last week Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. It was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he’d finally gotten out of Iran.”

 

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“It’s the 200th anniversary of the classic Jane Austen novel ‘Pride and Prejudice.’ Fans of the novel celebrated the way they always do: reading about halfway through and then giving up.”