The three long days between receiving the call back and actually hearing the doctor say “you’re okay” were as anxious and stressful as any I’ve ever known. The thoughts bouncing through my mind were all over the place…
I desperately tried not to assume the worst, and yet I couldn’t help but wonder what if… I told myself to stay positive, that negative thinking could ‘jinx’ me somehow, resulting in an unwanted outcome. But ignoring the possibility of bad news wasn’t realistic either, so I lapsed into periods of silent contemplation, brooding over reactions and the ripple effect if it turned out wrong…
I started over-analyzing the mundane details of things, like what should I wear to this appointment…something comfortable, well-loved and warm? Or something I couldn’t care less about? If the diagnosis was unfavorable, I would absolutely be throwing out whatever I had worn…
I felt betrayed by my body… Every time I changed clothes, I studied the image in the mirror, trying to discern the precise location of concern, wondering if a ticking time bomb indeed lurked just below the surface… I kept reminding myself that if something was there, it had been for a while, and I couldn’t do anything about it…yet.
John drove me to the appointment and went with me inside. On this particular day, he wasn’t the only husband in attendance with his wife…
My time arrived and I finally learned which side was harboring the potential enemy… The technician was kind and apologetic for causing discomfort; however my transient pain did not deter her precise execution of the task.
After an interminable fifteen minute wait, she returned and explained I needed further tests… I seriously thought I was going to be sick…
I stumbled across the hallway behind her to a different room for ultrasound imaging, convinced that the need for it was not a good sign. She completed the scans and then excused herself to get the doctor.
I aged a decade while waiting for their return… I gave myself permission to cry…but only just a little…after all, it could still be something benign…
“Everything is fine; the new images were much better…you’re all clear.”
The sweet words of relief we had been praying to hear…
Another reminder of how your whole world can change in an instant...
Wishing you many blessings…tg
Tammy will update her blog twice weekly…
